Patiently Waiting ( I guess this is my poem to my Husband )

I don’t believe in schedules that aren’t full

Because empty time slots leave too much room for my thoughts to scheme mind games on themselves

Empty time slots allowing restlessness to creep into my bones giving my imagination an endless playground

Empty time slots where everything around me is still and silent no busyness to distract from the loneliness that dances with me in the moments where oneness is all that I know 

My roommate once told me, that I was the type of person who didn’t need people I wonder if she knows that I thrive off people needing me

To tend to them left and right so I can forget the fight that my waiting soul keeps having with my only sometimes anxious heart

And I know, good things come to those who wait

But greater ones to those who are patient

Sometimes, I just don’t want to be patient

I want to know what it really feels like to have someone not beside you

But still experience the pattern of their heartbeat next to yours from miles away

 To know what it feels like to not only be needed but wanted

 Not your body but the very presence of your essence

What it feels like for someone to say that they miss you, and not question if it’s true because you can pinpoint the place where your distance hurts the most

The idea that one person can handle all of these flaws and mold them into everything they consider beautiful

Sometimes,

I would like for my outsides to be looked at as beautiful in the same eyes that has seen me at my ugliest

Who will be able look at me as though the sun is rising behind my head even when my hair is a mess

For my love language to be spoken in ways I never new existed

We would create a new definition of I love you

Exchanging overrated three worded statements into three worded declarations

Like I adore you, saying sweet nothings like you are the apple to my pie with vanilla ice cream on the side

Or you are my intricate foam displayed dainty on my latte

He will be the skeleton and I will be the separated rib

He will be the living version of the highlights in my bible

Exemplifying the love of Christ in the way that his hands are raised

Eyes closed

Feet centered at the throne of God

He will be the flesh of the pages in my journal every unspoken poem and repeated prayer

 And when movie night just wont cut it he will ask if we could spend time soaking in music immersed in the presence of the one that holds us together

Yes, one day I will find love

 And we will be more than just two birds of the same feather

We will be one song with many different melodies

Once voice with many different harmonies

A lullaby moving smoothly through eardrums caressing every cartilage of our unborn children

Like sunrises and sunsets

Rising together

And setting in the same unison

I don’t think I know who he is

Where he is

What he looks like

But I wonder

When his restlessness stirs him from the bed he never sleeps in

If he looks at the stars the same way I do

And pretends they’re my eyes taking in every aspect of his being

That every time they sparkle he imagines that it’s me blinking

Occasionally even winking

And the gust of wind reminding him that it’s evening

Is really my breathing

Assuring that yes, I’m still out there

Patiently,

Waiting

Seasons always pass. Here is my heart right now!

I told my mom that I was lonely,
She told me it happens, that a lot of people around me around me are in relationships so it makes sense.

but I told her no, that I wasn't supposed to feel this way, that I was Miss Independent and I was supposed to be that way forever.

She told me, that I wasn't made to be that way.

well shoot!

Whenever these feelings, occur I always remember when she told me that leadership & ministry are just sometimes lonely callings.. even with spouses.

ouch.

Still not sure how to take that.

I'm hoping this season of loneliness will pass soon, usually they do but man oh man this one? this one has been lingering for awhile.

I think I would consider ( at least for me) that loneliness is a weakness of mine, that affects me mentally and specifically spiritually. I also think the enemy has come to this realization as well, and so he is attacking at full force.
Ultimately....I think it affects me so much because it results back to one of my biggest flaws, which is not feeling enough, pretty enough, smart enough, you name it...I'm getting better with that, I'm starting to feel good in this skin I was created in ultimately turning these feelings of not being enough, into a healthy knowledge in the fact that I, am not adequate.
Adequate as in God is using me as a vessel in enhancing his kingdom.
what the what?! No one should be given that privilege... but we all are. And I have dedicated my life to being the most efficient, sacrificial tool possible.

So I've decided I need to do something in the midst of this season ....
Firstly, to be more in the Word, which is always something to improve on.

Secondly, Fast every Tuesday. Keep myself grounded in the week just spiritually...fasting is a good way to do that, because I can use the time I don't eat to journal & pray...Using it also a time to be praying for the girls on my hall next year, praying that God will just use me completely to touch whomever they are, in whatever way they need to be spoken too, relieved from, etc.

I'm excited...

whenever these lonely seasons occur Gods always like "Here's a leadership position" love all these people. Feed My Sheep.

okay Lord. Okay.

well there it is for now,
my vulnerable exposed blog.
much love!

Our God (Chapel March 26, 2012)

There is something, about being called by name,

That sparks a little flame in our beings

Igniting the fact that we belong to someone

Sparking a security in the value of who we are

There is something about a name

That allows us to experience what it feels like to have a relationship

With someone or something

To connect with them on a level that’s personal

And so I’ve wondered

Why some of the names of God are considered off limits to the human tongue

Maybe its because if we understood the depth of them

This thing we know of, as intimacy would take our hearts on a ride they’re not ready for

Which is why we continuously try to place him in boxes that aren’t even capable of containing him

So in the moments where we don’t understand the plan he is conducting

We refer to him as omnipotent

Because even though we are oblivious to the masterpiece he is forming in the midst of our spiritual blind spots

He knows every intricate detail

Every soul that will be touched by the ripple of his intentions

And in the moments where it feels as though a personal storm is weighing itself over our heads

We call him JEHOVAH-SHALOM because he is our ultimate peace

Calming the storm of our restlessness

Ceasing every aspect that hinders us from meeting him in the quietness of our sleep 

JEHOVAH-JIREH

Because even financial aid looks a little bit slim

He always has an unexpected way of showing that he provides

Fulfilling above and beyond what our prayers could ever mutter

Alpha

For he is the beginning

To SAVIOR

Because when he placed his hands on both ends of the cross

He automatically became the bridge

To Omega the ultimate ending to any story ever told

Jehovah Rapha

When every shard of glass that the world has in its grip

Cuts deeper than band aids could protect

When it feels as though we are enduring the root of what brokenness feels like

When the crosses on our back begin to blister our shoulders

And our feet calloused from the miles we’ve walked in order to fulfill the purpose we’ve been deemed

He is our most powerful medicine with everlasting side effects

Strong tower

The unshakeable foundation

In the midst of life’s earthquakes

The safe haven and lighthouse when the darkness surrounds us

Potter

Bread of life

Morning Star

Sunrise and Sunset

Teacher

Preparing and equipping us for the final exam

Perfecting our study of his never-ending mercy and grace

Educating us in the background of His Story so that we never forget the right answer to all the questions we can’t answer

Deliverer

Comforter

Holy Spirit

Creator

God Almighty

King of Kings

Abba

Everlasting Father

The one who calls us by our nickname full, if you prefer it

Never hesitating to deem us Daughter and Son even when we’ve failed him

Overwhelming us with a devotion that we aren’t capable to return

Loving our brokenness until it blooms into something beautiful

So when we our mouths can’t even begin to form the right name

Or our minds have lost track of what we should call him

And our hands begin to try and force him into our doubting and forgetful boxes

Just remember that

He is

He was

And he forever will be

Everything and Anything in between

Patiently Waiting ( I guess this is my poem to my Husband )

I don’t believe in schedules that aren’t full

Because empty time slots leave too much room for my thoughts to scheme mind games on themselves

Empty time slots allowing restlessness to creep into my bones giving my imagination an endless playground

Empty time slots where everything around me is still and silent no busyness to distract from the loneliness that dances with me in the moments where oneness is all that I know 

My roommate once told me, that I was the type of person who didn’t need people I wonder if she knows that I thrive off people needing me

To tend to them left and right so I can forget the fight that my waiting soul keeps having with my only sometimes anxious heart

And I know, good things come to those who wait

But greater ones to those who are patient

Sometimes, I just don’t want to be patient

I want to know what it really feels like to have someone not beside you

But still experience the pattern of their heartbeat next to yours from miles away

 To know what it feels like to not only be needed but wanted

 Not your body but the very presence of your essence

What it feels like for someone to say that they miss you, and not question if it’s true because you can pinpoint the place where your distance hurts the most

The idea that one person can handle all of these flaws and mold them into everything they consider beautiful

Sometimes,

I would like for my outsides to be looked at as beautiful in the same eyes that has seen me at my ugliest

Who will be able look at me as though the sun is rising behind my head even when my hair is a mess

For my love language to be spoken in ways I never new existed

We would create a new definition of I love you

Exchanging overrated three worded statements into three worded declarations

Like I adore you, saying sweet nothings like you are the apple to my pie with vanilla ice cream on the side

Or you are my intricate foam displayed dainty on my latte

He will be the skeleton and I will be the separated rib

He will be the living version of the highlights in my bible

Exemplifying the love of Christ in the way that his hands are raised

Eyes closed

Feet centered at the throne of God

He will be the flesh of the pages in my journal every unspoken poem and repeated prayer

 And when movie night just wont cut it he will ask if we could spend time soaking in music immersed in the presence of the one that holds us together

Yes, one day I will find love

 And we will be more than just two birds of the same feather

We will be one song with many different melodies

Once voice with many different harmonies

A lullaby moving smoothly through eardrums caressing every cartilage of our unborn children

Like sunrises and sunsets

Rising together

And setting in the same unison

I don’t think I know who he is

Where he is

What he looks like

But I wonder

When his restlessness stirs him from the bed he never sleeps in

If he looks at the stars the same way I do

And pretends they’re my eyes taking in every aspect of his being

That every time they sparkle he imagines that it’s me blinking

Occasionally even winking

And the gust of wind reminding him that it’s evening

Is really my breathing

Assuring that yes, I’m still out there

Patiently,

Waiting

Fullerton Piece!

Context: The event was titled, "The Blueprint Conference" 
Scripture verse: 1 Kings 6:12

:)

I told my parents

That if I were ever to get a tattoo

I would get an anchor on my ankle to represent everything that I find myself rooted in

Placed near my feet because they’re the only parts of me that knows what a foundation truly feels like

I thought that my family was my foundation

But in reality I found that they were the lighthouse in the midst of my

Growing pains looking a little like thick fog

When I came to college I realized that my fathers seminary degree was not my own

That I still had to learn and wrestle with the complexities of who God was

And just because I was deemed a Pastors Kid when his hands reached for his diploma

Did not mean that my foundation would be formed the same way his was

My first level started with a season loneliness

My feet planted in the security of …..in that very moment God was the only one who kept me from falling

My cement to ground me in his words written in red ink, firm and unmoving so that I could not ever confuse it for sinking sand 

Second level….

The knowledge that my purpose in life was not wrapped in the comments or opinions of others

Whose buildings were crumbling beneath them without even blinking once in disbelief

That my words and actions were to create one, straight, forward and then upward path that didn’t retrieve back to my own mouth

Third Level….

Whatever it is we think we are majoring in

We need to remind ourselves that it’s not in the science of how God works

It’s not the psychology of his mind because no textbook could put the definition of EVERYTHING into sufficient words

So our attempt to take notes on the final exam is in no way beneficial

Instead we just need to observe the art we cant explain and appreciate every intricate meaning it portrays

Fourth Level

It’s said that our bodies are temples

A holy place where the divine resides

So why do we carry our burdened black baggage inside of it?

Streaking the marble floor hindering us from seeing the decrees of our Lord

Inscribed in the surfaces and outlines of our temples

How can we fulfill that which we ignore?

Fifth Level

Let God be God in what God does and Only God will understand

He has already paved the road ahead of us

We have the same answers just in different books, said in different ways for different people

The tools are found in every experience that he allows us to face

Tools found in the little places of wisdom that he graciously exposes in unexpected moments

So take all that you have,

Which may not look like much

Imagine the temple he is calling you to be and urging you to build

And blueprint it

It's been a while.

Hello followers, and random readers who just happen to have come across this blog.
It's been sometime since i've posted, let alone posted an actual blog.
So here one is.
I just returned home from Cal State Fullerton after performing
 ( the Poem posted after this is the piece that I did)
and suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the reality of .... I write and perform..poetry.
As in, its kind of become my thing, I drive places to present little expressions of my creativity to all sorts of people.
People who know me, who do not know me, but know of me and people who refer to me as Ariel.
It's CRAZY!

I never thought in my college life that poetry would be such a evident aspect.
I mean sure, I'm minoring in theatre so I thought that was where the little performer in me would have her chance to make visits to her sometimes home (that being the stage) but never would I imagine that it would be my very own words I was presenting.

I am blown away by all that God has allowed me to experience in this past year.
It's amazing how much he has altered my life in such un-imagineable ways....

I don't really like titles that sort of represent ways we could be defined, or our worth could be given through...but today at Fullerton... I was referred to as "The Poet"
I wouldn't go as far as the superior "The" in the front of it, but I think at this point I should sort of claim it, I guess I am a poet.
Maybe I'll write a poem about it... (:

With love, metaphors and pretty similies,
Arie.

Titles

Titles intimidate me
They make my insecurity come from hiding and my 5'7 height shrink to non existent

Girlfriend
I'm afraid I won't hold still that my attention will be spilled in so many directions you won't know where to stand
boyfriend
Although it sounds sweet at first taste
There's way too many distorted definitions for people to even know what it really means
Ultimately I just want to be able to look and know that he's mine
To have a there goes my babyyyy type of moment
But when it really comes down to it I just don't think I have the time
Student
I'd rather be social than stuck in a cubical at the end of my 4year adventure
Maybe I'm learning that life can not be tamed
And knowledge stretches past a 40thousand dollar price tag
I'm just no longer sure where I stand with this financial hand wringing at my student wrists that writes papers and to-do lists
Poet
I don't feel as though I'm worthy quite yet
To wear this crown of poetry sitting on a throne of lyrical creativity
I could be taken this to an extreme but I mean those who call themselves poets express words from memories that they've tucked in hidden safeties locked with keys and release them with a pen
I can't say that's anywhere near where I've been
Pastors kid
5days out of seven
You could find me in pews
With microphones in one hand and harmonies on my lips
In brightly painted rooms with toys you have to squat down to
Goody two shoes
And prude become your name in cell phones that never press call when its highlighted
Because you would of been insulted anyway if you were invited
Daughter
I don't take lightly promises to make you smile at me
I'm disappointed in you is not words I can bare so ill spend every time I breath air
To make sure your aware that I want to make you proud
Not in ways where I obsess over getting As on tests but you can tell me you never had the courage to do that when you were my age
So that's why God gives you children so we can live it all again
But in their own way
Sister
Basically a mother oldest of four sisters and one brother
Make sure that they can look up to you and not shake their hands when staring down on you with eyes that ask why now they have to set the example so there's no next time
I promise to them they can always tell me what's on their mind
There's never a moment where I won't have the time of day for them because they make up the sun that shines
Mothers and fathers are there for the growing and nurturing but sisters are their for the pruning
To tell you what our parents won't to paint your nails
And sing songs that are made up to acoustic guitar backgrounds that I really can't play
Human being
Being not always doing
Breathing but sometimes stopping
Created for Loving
Destined for purposes that are past our understanding
Christian
Christ in anything in everything we do
From the way we talk
And walk when no one is watching
To live as though Jesus himself walked in step with us
Arielle
My ultimate title
The name behind these brown eyes light skin
And smile
A woman
Not a girlfriend
But a student
A pastors daughter
A sister
A human being
A Christian
Arielle