I have had some time to let reality settle in, and all the goodness turn into memories.
To say that it was a "good" year does not even begin to cover what I experienced.
Let's backtrack.
It started in the summer before coming into this year with Walkabout.
As I've said in previous blogs, I dreaded that week with every possible bone inside of me. I dreaded it for a few different reasons ( a lot of them rooted in anxiety) 1. not knowing what to expect 2. being certain that my body was not capable of engaging in that kind of strenuous activity 3. I would have no control over what happened, I was aware of no schedule, or even the time of day.
But you know what? In the end of it all, it was glorious. The experience in itself was beautiful but what made it life changing was the people I experienced it with.
My walkabout team was a group of people I either did not know at all or barely knew.
They were a group of adventurous, honest, loving and wise individuals who taught me more about love and how to look at life differently. When I shared my life-story with them, I was able to express the reasons why I completely ignored them on the bus ride there, why I barely spoke when packing together for the ten-day journey ahead of us, and why I was not the least bit excited.
I told them about my insecurities, how disgusted I was with myself sometimes, how every time I received a compliment, I could never digest it because I didn't believe it.
They were the keys I needed to open the door to loving myself. Their prayers over me were that I would be able to see myself the way everyone around me sees me (good things I presume), mostly they prayed that I would be able to see myself the way CHRIST did.
I think that when we say that something was "transformational", or "life changing" that the "change" usually lasts maybe a few weeks...maybe a month but when we experience something that is truly transformational, It changes everything. It changes how we think, how we see things, how we love others, and how we love ourselves.
With everything in me, I believe that I needed each of these individuals in my life, and God knew that. He tossed them into the recipe of my life at the most perfect moment.
Doug, Madi, Brett, James, Kiersten, Bre, Jordan, Fleck, Bixby, Keith.
Thank you for this year, for our obsessive relationship with one another, our unconditional, authentic and raw love towards one another.
Thank you for loving me in your own unique and beautiful individual ways.
During my Walkabout Journey/RA training, for a second I had to remember that I was actually training for something... One of the things I love about the leadership at APU, is that the training process yes, equips you to do the job you were hired for, but mostly it reminds you of who you are outside of the position. It reminds you that you are a spiritual being who has a relationship with the same God who gave you the gifts, strengths and tools that you need in order to be all that you can be in whatever position you find yourself in. They remind you that before you are a leader, you must first be a servant. And in order to be a servant you must remember who you are serving and why you are serving.
Support Support Support, they realize how important it is to have someone (or a group of someones) with you through your journey in the position you were hired for.
First, the support comes from your walkabout team, and then from your staff.
I was blessed to be on a staff with nine other beautiful, dedicated, self-less, hardworking, Godly, funny, sarcastic, real and loving women. I don't think being an RA really works if you don't have your staff with you, especially when you're an RA in the freshman dorms because inevitably you will go crazy. And I mean buck-wild, straight to the loony bin CRAZY. But that's where your staff comes in, they remind you that you aren't crazy, that you are doing your job and you're doing it well, that you need to get out of the dorm, turn your phone off and get off campus. We learned not to compare what one another was doing on their hall or how their hall looked because it was absolutely different. Even if you tried to mimic something, it was still different because of how different we were as individuals, as leaders, as creators, it was different and it was good.
But with all of our differences, our unique qualities and quirks, strengths and weaknesses...we fit together, perfectly like a small 4 by 6 puzzle, every individual hall made up what Adams Hall 2012-2013 was.
And uniting us all together was our RD, Chaili and oh my goodness that woman.
There are not too many people who I could legitimately say, "I want to be you when I grow up." (Besides my mother of course and maybe Meryl Streep) but now Chaili is one to add to the list.
She is amazing, one of those amazing people where I just have to tell others, "I can't explain her, just go have coffee with her or something and then you'll understand." Or I just smile and keep her amazingness a secret because its something I have experienced and they haven't, its a tad selfish but if you knew her, you'd understand. Chaili was above and beyond what I needed, not only as an RD but as a mentor, a sister, a fellow Woman of God, a woman of Valor. Her heart to hearts with me were those moments where I would have to leave right after and then go journal about it, just so that I wouldn't forget the trinkets worth remembering. I wanted to remember the things she said that because at some point in my life, I know I will have to come back for some of those words and apply them somewhere.
With a mixture of the 8 women on my staff and my RD, I had a tag team support system of sisters, and when we didn't have to be professional we quoted Pitch Perfect and cuddled with one another. We shared sassy comments and inside jokes, lived life under one roof and it was glorious.
Chaili, Katelyn, Chelsea B, Amanda, Ciera, Jordain, Brigitta, Koop, Lauren, ADAMS HALL FOREVER.
Our hall theme of Seamless Unity threaded throughout that old building like symphonies.
Some days were hard, stressful, exhausting, being stretched in ways you didn't even think was possible, you hurt for reasons where you didn't even know why.
You prayed, oh man you prayed hard and for every single girl, even the ones who weren't on your hall. You prayed for strength, not only for you but for your staff, for the entire hall itself, that whatever God had planned for Adams would be done according to his will.
It's probably tough to say "yes, I know without a doubt that our prayers were 100% answered", there were probably some prayers whispered in that building that have yet to be answered, however something was done. Work was finished, hearts were undoubtedly touched, life was lived and lived well, conversations both heart wrenching and exciting were experienced, in the early morning and late at night.
In that hall I experienced what a calling felt like. That pounding knowledge that THIS, is exactly where I am supposed to be, this is WHO I am supposed to be loving, and this is WHAT I am called to be doing. It is overwhelmingly breathtaking, to experience your purpose and to know with every bleeding, pumping part of you that you are living and being exactly who God called you to be. Most importantly doing what he has called you to do.
I left my heart in that hall, specifically on 3rd East. Pieces of me are scattered across the world with a group of 40 or so girls (I'm sorry... women) who mean the world to me.
I knew during my freshman year that I wanted to be an RA, that I wanted to experience being on a hall with a group of freshman women, and walk with them during their first year of college journey. All of it sounded so exciting to me, even the hard parts.
But exciting doesn't even begin to cover what I experienced this past year on 3rd East.
Picnics, GYRADS, hall meetings (literally in the middle of the hallway), pancake breakfasts, Sunday discussions, one on ones, all of it was.... Well, there is truly no word for it.
I love those girls, with all of my heart, soul and mind, I love them.
Sometimes they would call me mom and I think that messed with me a little bit when the year was finally over. Mothers and Children + separation is not a good combination, it hurts real bad. It leaves you confused and empty. But its a good hurt, the type of hurt that says what you had was so good, wasn't it?
If you're reading this, I miss you a lot. I started a poem for you guys but time just went too fast and I didn't get a chance to actually finish it but basically,
I wish that I could freeze this year like a popsicle
so that I can always be reminded of how sweet it tasted.
But that's a really corny thing to say
and there were not always sweet moments,
so instead I want to take this year and keep it in a snow globe
Watch everything exactly how it happened over and over again
keep it wrapped in a place where it will always be perfect
the type of perfect that really means,
I-wouldn't-have-it-any-other-way-than-the-way-that-I-got-it
You are the faces that the words in my journal prayers could not form
because words just sometimes aren't beautiful enough to do any justice
We experienced a Love that looks like living well together
mumbled good mornings and goodnights
How was your day and what are you excited for
If you didn't know before,
or maybe you needed a reminder,
I wanted you to know that you are beautiful
I wanted you to have fearfully and wonderfully made
engrained in your hearts so that you could feel it in your bloodstream
even when you were sleeping
Authentically Created
hand crafted by the same creator who placed each constellation in the sky
and calls you worthier than them
The creator who told you to breath and live
I wonder if you knew that you gave me a new set of lungs this year
Ones big enough to laugh harder
and breath easier
(By Room Order...sort of) Jamie, Alice, Tiffany, Lauren, Megan, Casey, Morgan H., Morgan M, Jacova, Hailey, Jazmine, Karley, Sarah, Amber S., Nicole, Dionica, Allison, Brittany, Amy, Leslie, Amber G., Emma, Kalina, Katie M., Ashley, Savannah, Hanna L, Katie Swaugs, Katie D. (TK), Meagan B, Jade, Christin, Abi, Monica, Marissa, Alyssa, Hanna S., Mariah, Lacey, Hailey and Jennie.
Despite how long you were on my hall, despite how much we may or may not have talked, It doesn't matter. You will always be my sweet sweet 3rd East, dear to my heart for a very very long time.
Love you to pieces.
This year was my second year on the Poetry Team, with a group of yet again... all women.
I guess I should call this my year of women (plus a few guys).
Anyway.,this year on the poetry team, the opportunities we experience were above and beyond ANYTHING we could have expected and the support we had was so inspiring and encouraging.
I was a bit bias/selfish because I really only decided to do poetry again after I found out that Nationals would be held in New York whoops. But boy am I glad I decided to do it again.
We had our difficulties, our head butts and disagreements but regardless we were a team, a family, a dysfunctional family at times, but no doubt a family.
Each year on the team looks so different, last year was great and this year was even better.
Being on that stage is so fulfilling, I forget that every time and I am reminded yet again, every time I step back on it.
To work in an art alone, is fulfilling to an extent, but to work with others who are also passionate about that art is, is absolutely wonderful.
Brian, Alex, Monique, Byrd, Harris, Ana. You already know, CLIQUE for days.
And Exhale.
So this is (not even close) a slightly poor summary of my "Year of purpose."
The year, I have met people that I would hope would one day either be in or at my wedding. People who I hope, that my kids will maybe one day have the chance to meet.
I have experienced what "I-could-totally-do-this-for-the-rest-of-my-life" feels like.
I have learned to love others better because I am learning to love myself more.
2012-2013,
you were a good one.
Thank you for loving me.
