If you're not reflecting, you're not learning/How cool would be do a TED talk?

This evening in my group process class (which is hands down a favorite, in addition to my conflict management class) we watched a TED video about a woman with Schizophrenia, you can watch it here: http://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head.html (She has a British accent which is a huge plus, so if that doesn't give you more reason to watch it then I don't think we can be friends...just kidding). Eleanor tells us her story about her first encounter with schizophrenia about hearing voices in her head that were seemingly harmless at first but slowly turned violent and aggressive. To say that she stirred a lot of questions and emotions about my own identity is an understatement, because at the end of the class after watching the video, our professor asked us to reflect on what we have learned these past few weeks. Through this process of reflecting, I came to understand how deeply rooted I am in relationships. I am a being who I believe is so relational that at times it's a little unhealthy because I often dive head first into vulnerability with people without a life jacket whoops. So far, group process has helped me to better understand further who I am, what I stand for and what I'm passionate about all of these are so closely related to who I am as a relational being. 
So this is the conclusion I've come to through all of this, (if you're still reading thank you for trekking through that long introduction). My conclusion is this, identity is no longer mirror based, it is a process of internal awareness, internal understanding, and it is a form of internal exploration. It is because of this journey that we are able to see the internal make up of others. 
If that were the case, if this self awareness process was really the journey of knowing our internal, then I can't help but ask the question of Why is there so much weight/ focus on the appearance of the external?
I think its because we've lost sight of the fact that we are internal, relational beings who have been hurt and maybe stayed broken. So as hurt and broken human beings, we cover up all of it with our external because we can control that. We can decorate it and paint it so that it looks pretty, presentable and pleasing, we also control when and if people see it. There is so much power there and we often abuse it.
Imagine if we lived in a world, where mirrors reflected only the makings of our internal. Mirrors that showed us the raw and bloody insides in between our rib cages, all that makes us flawed human beings. Would we be able to see each other for our wholeness? Maybe. Would it scare us? Definitely. Would it be worth it? Absolutely. 

I just finished reading a book called "A Severe Mercy" that was given to me by a friend. And man oh man what a read! (...Do people say things like that?)
In a very small nutshell, this book has expanded my horizons on so many subjects such as religion/faith/love/relationships/identity/grieving. It is unreal how much this book has sort of just shaken up my world. Anyway, I bring up Severe Mercy because it is a love story of sorts (you'll only understand the "of sorts" part if you read it and if you don't well then sorry about it). It is a love story about two people, who meet off of the spark of a common ground that connects them. That small spark then fervently turns into a passionate, undeniable thread between the two of them. They don't just fall in love, they seek to explore the makings of one another in the most beautiful, intimate and yet (at times) painful ways. They saw one another for all that they were, but most importantly I strongly believe that they saw one another for who they were internally and it is their external (they were pretty attractive people) that was sort of just the icing on the cake. 
Two people unmistakably in love with one another and in the midst of their marriage never ceased to explore the other person for their wholeness, for their internal. They knew one another in the ways that would terrify us, because we've been hurt so many times, we've (okay maybe I've) made Adele songs our themes for our hearts state of being, we have been told that our internal needs work or it isn't captivating or worth loving. 
We are tattered, bruised and see no real hope or redemption in exposing the very core of who we are, because who is going to accept it?

I guess you could say that I am somewhat of a huge advocate for unadulterated, raw vulnerability. The emotional, mental and spiritual act of exposing ourselves for the sake of looking at our internal for all of its makings and embracing it. The scariest part of vulnerability, is that we will be left there standing bare and exposed left empty, cold and alone. But here's the best part .... (imagine this in a whisper but not creepily)... God meets us right there, in that place of bareness and exposure. I'd even dare to say that he comes up next to us, holds our hand and gives it a good ol comforting squeeze, then he fully embraces us right there in the midst of our journey of exploring our internal. He slowly pulls back every level of hurt and he unstacks every brick from the walls that we have so carefully placed around our hearts and he says,

"I want to know all of you. I see past your external and I so desperately and tenderly hold in my hands, the precious makings of your internal. 
And my child, I LOVE ALL OF YOU."

 Oh my Holy wow....
To be completely honest, I didn't really have very much expectation with how this blog was going to go but I find myself sitting in my mod, on this couch just drowned in.... complete awe.  Take a moment if you need to and let those words resonate with you in whatever way you may need them to.

In closing,
I saw that there is such beauty in the stories of others. So imagine just how graciously we would be able to view other people if we showed our internal too. Showed our struggles, our flaws, our doubts, our confusions, our hurts and all the nitty gritty of what makes us stumbling, messy human beings. 
I have been on this journey myself for quite a while, assuming that it was a surface level journey of being able to see myself as someone of worth, someone who could be considered beautiful, loved and desired. I think it is so much more than that now, it is the exploration of my internal, all that makes me Arielle Estoria Leda Wilburn.

So, who are you friends?
Who do you identify yourself as?
Have you dared to look at yourself in the mirror and instead of seeing love handles, abs, dimples, freckles, moles, legs and arms... do you see your internal? 
Do you see what you're passionate about casually swimming around your heartbeat? 
Do you see all of the butterflies in your stomach that each have different names of the people who remind you how exquisite it is to be alive? 
Do you see traces of grace in your lungs? Does it remind you how precious it is to breathe, inhaling and exhaling, does it remind you how so undeserving we are to be able to do so?

I dare you to dive into your own exploration of your internal and see what you can find.
I think we would celebrate ourselves more and speak to ourselves with a little bit more acceptance. It is through this process, that I believe we will fully embrace our own stories and know how to embrace others as well.

This is a lot of wishful thinking and I get that... but I still think its possible. 
Day by day, year by year you know ...step by step. Who knows if we'll ever reach that "ultimate" understanding or acceptance (we probably won't) but at least we kept trying.

Ramblings about Sunsets and life.

I know that Sunsets happens everyday, and so do Sunrises

Everyday they grace the sky with their colorful presence

And I can’t help but think that sunrises and sunsets

Are the constant reminders to treat life as invaluable as it is

because it won’t always be there

There’s no way we could ever get tired of staring down a sunset

Watching as the sun lays its head down behind waves, or mountains

and puts itself to sleep

In a way it says to us,

"Hey, you got another day, I hope you lived it well."

Wrecked for the sake of Grace.

John Chapter 4 tells us the story about the woman at the well and her encounter with Jesus.
It's not a story that is unfamiliar to us, it is used to remind us about the grace filled and redemptive attributes of who Christ is, it reminds us that no matter what we carry in our past or present, nothing is too heavy for Christ to handle.
In my devotional last week through the "She Reads Truth" plan, the focus was on John Chapter 4. The conversation between the woman and Jesus at first was fairly "surface level" at least in the perspective of the woman. Jesus asks if she would fetch him some water (v. 7), the woman is baffled and essentially says "Why me?" and then Jesus' does this great thing where he switches it around on her and basically says "Actually, you're right! I shouldn't be asking you for water, YOU should be asking ME for water" (v.10-13). Wait, what?
I can imagine that at this point, the woman maybe did a head roll with all the sass she could muster in almost an, "Uh, excuse me?" sort of way. And can you blame her? Here was this man who had the audacity to ask her for a drink of water, knowing full well the history between Samaritans and Jews and knowing that they are in no way associated, a man who in however long has encountered her without judgement in knowing who she was or what she has done.
The water that was being talked about back and forth was not just drinking water as the woman had first perceived, on the contrary, that water was the gift of grace. A gift that she was blinded to because she didn't think she deserved it due to her sin, her heavy mistakes and her life style. Her blindness to this gift of grace relates to when later in the text Jesus calls out another part of herself, the part that points out that she's a little bit of a "loose lover", she's got a few cards in her deck of relationships (v. 16-18). I can only imagine that this little factor in her life is this woman's biggest insecurity, the reason she stays out of social settings and keeps to herself. She responds to Jesus by saying something along the lines of, "Well obviously you've been in close communication with the big man upstairs because there's no other way that you could know my biggest insecurity, my biggest sin because for all these years I have done a REALLY good job at keeping them hidden" (v. 19). The recurring thought I had while reading this devotional was, "Oh dang, Jesus just called her OUT on her stuff." And when I say "called out", we can see in the verse that he doesn't do it in a way that leaves room for judgement, I think he did it in a way where she realizes that he sees her, he sees every part of her. He sees the misunderstood, the ugly, the buried, the judged, the sinful literally, all of her. He also sees who she is underneath all that messiness too. He sees that she is treasured, wanted, adored and loved. He sees her as the imperfect human being she is, in need of forgiveness, second chances and hope for something better.

The reason why I felt so compelled to write this into a blog is because of this:
Jesus in love, in honesty, in hopes of revealing our mistakes for the sake of beneficial change exposed this woman and seeks to expose us. He exposed her because he knows that buried underneath that messy imperfection was the chance for transformation, experiencing a foreign concept of mercy and a connection with him. He reminded her that she was not perfect and even better, that she doesn't need to be. 
In my journey of "Experiencing wholeness" this year, I realize that I want this challenge of being called out on my stuff for the sake of change and the continuous pursuit of wholeness.
But here's the scary part, I DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED OUT ON MY STUFF! haha let's be real, no one really likes being told "hey by the way, in case you didn't know you're not perfect and you've got some stuff to work on." Because if they do, then I just want to scream "YES I am! Go away, you don't know my life" and then I would proceed to self-scrutinize myself so heavily that it is beyond unhealthy.
Also, for some reason, none of us like "calling out each other on our stuff" for various reasons
1. We're scared and think we're going to lose a friend because of our honesty
2. We realize, who are we to judge?
3. We're scared
4. How do we know what to point out and not to point out?
We are so bad at this, that we cringe when people tell us we have something in our teeth or in our nose. We hesitate and second guess if we're going to tell our friend that their zipper is down.
I barely feel comfortable correcting people when they call me "Ariel" (Air-ree-el), AND IT'S MY OWN NAME!

Jesus told this woman about herself, the self she has tried to hide for maybe years and he didn't even hesitate. In a way, at times, I think we are called to do this for one another as the Body of Christ. Now before you get ahead of yourself, let me explain, WE are not called to just be exposing peoples imperfections, sins and mistakes regularly as if it were our 9-5 job because it's not. However, sometimes, it IS a responsibility that we carry as believers or just simply as people who love and wish the best for each other to remind ourselves that we are capable of being more. Because on the opposite end of that, we're also not supposed to be running around praising one another, pretending we're all perfect and holy as if we've got it all together because we don't.
We have a horrible pattern of sometimes pretending that we are these cookie cutter examples of Christianity, talking and pointing out people's imperfects when we ourselves don't have spinach in our teeth when we very well do.
In order to do this, in order to be these people who are able to truly see one another, is something we must approach carefully and with much prayer, seeking the wisdom directly from Him, otherwise, we're going to screw things up for ourselves and others.
I think that the goal behind it would be the reminder that we're already supposed to be able to honestly, maybe bluntly and with love, hold one another to the standard that Christ calls us all to.
That isn't perfection, that isn't hiding behind all that we were in the past, or the things we've done. It's a standard of grace that we're supposed to be held to, a standard of accepting our mistakes, acknowledging them and then letting them go and moving forward. A standard of transformation for the sake of uncovering who we are underneath the mess.

To clarify; This is not a blog to extend the invitation for all of us to go and point at one another and all our wrong doings. If we do that, then we are completely missing the GRACE factor, we're also just doing too much and need to sit down.
This blog is to challenge us to step outside of our cookie cuter mindsets and enter into an honest, upfront acceptance that we're not perfect and all of us have work to do in ourselves. It is declaring that we will challenge one another instead of waiting at each others hands and feet because that doesn't help anyone.
This is the challenge to be wrecked, confronted and stretched for the sake of Grace.

I accept the challenge, and would hope that my friends, those who know and love me to keep me accountable in that.
We're all the woman (or man) at the well at some point in life.
The real test is in how we respond to being put underneath the microscope.

In verses 28 and 29, the woman leaves Jesus and goes into town to tell the people about her meeting. She says, "Come see a man who told me everything I ever did, could this be the messiah?" 
With nothing hidden, everything exposed this woman encountered Jesus, the Jesus who saw her past her imperfections and sins. Friends, this woman wrecked for the sake of grace, is US.
Jesus desires to wreck us for the sake of experiencing his grace, he knows we're going to mess up here and there and he waits for us at the well until we come to draw some water. He also sends his people to wait for us at that well too, to represent on his behalf, to speak love and wisdom on his behalf, not our own.

Do we accept the challenge? Or do we keep hiding and pretending that "we got this"?
Do we accept the challenge? Or do we sit comfortably back into our Cookie cut out of who we think we are? 
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of pretending and I want nothing more than to accept this challenge. So here it goes.

Ah Lord, 
Here I am, accepting this challenge, desiring to be wrecked for the sake of experiencing your grace and wholeness that you have in store for me and for my generation.
In all things, may it be your will, 
Selah.

Pursuing Wholeness.

I have found God in my Church, long prayer sessions and good morning greetings. 
I have found God in Chapel, hands raised and eyes closed.
I have found God in summer camps and stargazing backpacking trips.
I have found God in revival concerts and dramatic redemptive filled skits.
I have found God at the bottom of coffee cups and Bible App devotional plans.
I have found God in my roommates feminist rants, life stories and inside jokes. 
I have experienced God in many different places, at different times and with different people.
And right now, I am in a season of wanting so.much.more of him.

These past few days, I keep feeling as if I'm backtracking for God in all the unhealthy ways you back track for past relationships. In places where the feelings are lingering but are no longer there, where there is nothing but bittersweet memories of where you left certain moments. I keep feeling as if I am recycling a God who is new and present every single day.
Our God is not one who is anything compared to stale, left over memories.
He is present and real right now.

But I'm at this place where I can't help but feel that I am searching for him in all the mundane, ritualistic and well boring places. And so, this semester, heck even this year. Instead of falling in love with God all over again, I want to meet him continuously over and over again as if it were the first time. Meet him in the places I would never expect or even look to find him. 
You know those moments when you meet someone new? It's refreshing and inviting,  you learn all the ways that you are similar, their likes and dislikes and passions that they have and maybe even share. It leaves you giddy for future meetings with that person and your hopefully continuous relationship, but sometimes that joy and frivolous attitude fades. See, I think our generation is obsessed with meeting new people, we like new things and new conversations and new adventures and places to go and people we could be. But then there's that dangerous aspect of meeting new people because sometimes we never get past the surface level "Let's-get-coffee-but-never-do" relationship. 
So I have this notion, that I want to have THAT with God. THAT as in, I want to have the whole "Hey-I'm-meeting-you-for-the-first-time" but over and over again AND have coffee with him... continuously. Keep the giddy but not superficial, keep the striving to reach deeper and not stay at surface level.  I want to dive head first into the vulnerable, messy, doubtful and beautiful parts of what it means to get to know Christ all over again. 
Tonight during Senior Chapel, Pastor Khristi said it perfectly when she talked about truly knowing and loving God, as a continuous "rediscovering" of who he is. That ultimately, it's this process of 

"A C T I V E L Y P U R S U I N G W H O L E N E S S " with God. 

YES. If there's anything I don't want, its a halfhearted relationship with anyone or anything. I want whole, pure unadulterated diving head first into rediscovery and I want that everyday with none other than my own Creator.

Lately, I have found God in poetry, the restless nights where my mind refuses to sit still.
I have found him in the work of the creative people who pour their everything into this art and hope that it pours back into them just as much.
I have found God in an unlikely friend who is filled with wisdom, who is loving in the way that roughens you up a bit first and in the way his occasional cynicism always leaks a trace of hope. 
I have found God in the discomfort of change, and  unfamiliar or uncomfortable moments.
I have found God in the faces of precious little babies who are just the embodiment of a tenderness and grace that can only come from him. 
I have found God in the infinite laughter and sass of my staff members. 
I have found God in the excitement of new dreams and projects, the type of excitement that bubbles over your passion and purpose cup making you rest a little easy, yet also too exhilarated to fall asleep. 
I have found God in the unknown, the plans and to-do-lists that are essentially thrown up into the abyss of nothing causing me to HAVE TO  completely trust in the fact that someone has to be orchestrating some type of direction for my life.
And with all this, 
I want to continue finding God.
In the new, the unexpected adventures and unlikely encounters.

I want to do more than just fall in love with God this semester, I want to actively purse a wholeness with him, rediscover the reasons why I know he is present, who I know him to be and who I don't know him to be. 
We fall in love too much with things, people and stuff, its become sort of this trend, but what would it mean to actively pursue a wholeness pursuit in rediscovering our God and the people he has put in our lives?

That is my heart this semester, expressed in late night blog post ramble and meaning every word.

So, what this look like?
I have NO IDEA but hope it looks something a long the line of an active, continuous, wholehearted, daring pursuit for so much more of him and all that he has intended.
Ah yes please.