Because the year is about to end and it makes you all reflective and what not.

My goodness.
I am always slightly overwhelmed at the end of the year. I often sit somewhere, or go for a walk attempting to go back through all the events that took place, the memories, the people, the moments, the places, the conversations and you know just everything. 
This year was definitely one of growth. I think each passing year gives us that small gift of growth whether it is physical, mental, or spiritual. Regardless of what form it takes, every year has growth, sometimes it's really hard and uncomfortable but it’s also inevitable and necessary.
This might be the very first blog where I don't have every word wanting to flow out of me anxious and ready to be out.
I'm sort of still reflecting even as I write this, so bare with me okay?

This year was comprised of lots of little moments and key moments, specific groups of people and situations. So from my best memory here they are;

The people

-       My 2013-2014 Shire Staff

I could not have asked for a better group of individuals to work with throughout this year. I can’t get too sappy because I still have another semester to be with you, and my feelings could change… just kidding. I really do love all of you. Yes, even you Brian.

Adam, you’re the best dad a staff could ask for. You were a great surprise, thanks for being a rock star and for having a really great wife and child who we’re all obsessed with (okay well maybe that’s just me).

-       My Walkabout Team #Weouthere

Thank you for reminding me how women can love one another in the ways that only we know how to, Thank you for listening to my rants about beauty and my insecurities. Thank you for putting up with my sickness and for loving me unconditionally.

-       My Imago Bay

HOLLA FOR YOUR GIRLS…ALL OF THEM. I love you guys more than coffee, and you all know how much I love coffee so this is saying a lot. Thank you for your conversations that made late nights so worth it. Thank you for the laughter that sometimes carried me into a whole new day to where I stupidly started cracking up all over again class. Thank you for putting up and being comfortable with my weirdness, and still loving me. Lauren, I can get sappy with you because you’re all moved out now, but thank you for completing the Imago Bay puzzle, we’re going to miss your feminist insight and fiery, sassy comments in our conversations. I love you so much, come visit. David I guess you’re in this too ha! Thanks for being the addition to the Bay, conversations and laughter with you have been just the right touch to our little abode.

-       The constant foundation that is Chaili Trentham

You already know this but I’m going to say it anyway, I love you a lot. Thank you for challenging me and for keeping me under your wing.

-       My mentor, Kesha

Oh my gosh. I am so glad that I was intrigued by you enough, to where I creepily felt compelled to request you as a mentor, tell you about it and then have you actually agree. You inspire me so much; I needed, appreciated, and valued every one of our dates. Thank you for creating with me, and worshiping with me through art. I could perform next to your singing for the rest of my life. I’m so excited for another semester with your guidance.

-       2013, was the year where either friendships bloomed or were rekindled. I’m really appreciative and thankful for all of them. Even if I didn’t mention you by name, know that all my friendships play a huge part into each year. Being lonely sucks, so thanks for being there.

The moments (also in whatever order that they come to me in)

-       Serving as RA for a second year/ Surviving Walkabout a second time and thoroughly enjoying it

-       Two wonderful friends getting engaged/ asking me to be their bridesmaids…(sarcastically/ sometimes genuinely I want to be the girl in 27 dresses)

-        My 22nd birthday, was hands down one of the most amazing birthday I have had yet. Thank you for every person who made it so special, especially my really awesome party planning, sneaky roommates. And also my even sneakier family for visiting me the next weekend. I LOVE SURPRISES.

-       Speaking in Chapel… wait what? Let’s be honest I am still processing this but what I do know, is that there is no way that can be the last time. Though I was the most nervous I have ever been … ever, it was so fulfilling, and one of those moments where it just screamed purpose. Whatever that may mean!

-       Being one step closer, to seeing my self the way my Creator sees me, to being able to be comfortable in this flesh and bones, love myself and being able to share that with people. That’s a freaking scary thing to do, one that I would not normally be comfortable with, but he whispers in my ear consistently its not about you, its about what I can do through you. Selah.

-       Passing Neuroscience (yes, this is absolutely a memorable moment, Praise him from whom all blessings flow)

-       Lastly, The passing of my Grandfather Marvin. This was really hard, and even writing this I have to breath a little bit more just to keep my eyes from burning. Death is a natural, sometimes tragic, heartbreaking, uncomfortable and unfortunately necessary thing. It was unexpected and definitely not something I thought I would be writing about in my end of the year reflections but I know where he is, and I know he’s smiling down on my family and I every moment he gets.

-       Is there more? Probably. But just because this is my blog doesn’t mean I need to bore you with all my 2013 moments. The ones listed, are more than enough.

Phew. That was an exhausting and probably more emotional than it should have been reflection. And oh man, I am grateful for all of it.

Alright, so I don’t do new Years Resolutions. Who does? One reason I don’t is because; if I don’t write them down anywhere then I forget them. Secondly, I really like bagels and sweet coffee so any strict fitness resolutions besides just try to go to the gym until March just won’t stick. And Lastly, I think they constrict us from just being able to enjoy the blessing that is living a whole new year without having this huge “to-do” or “to-don’t-do” list surrounding it. Though I don’t have any resolutions, I do have goals for this year, and I think that’s a really healthy thing to do. Starting the year off with some type of goal or two is great because if you didn’t before, at least now you can pretend to answer the question about what type of things you hope to do in the coming year.

My 2014 Goals

1.     Graduate College

(This has to happen sometime in 2014, because I just can’t do that whole super SUPER Senior thing. May is out of the option, July is looking pretty bright, but there is a chance I could be at APU till December and after much self-counseling and nights eating crushed cookies in an ice cream carton…I’m accepting this.)

2.     Apply to Grad school

(Let’s be honest, I don’t plan on leaving APU anytime soon)

3.     Put together/ Publish two Poetry books

4.     Write my Pastors Daughter book

5.     Establish a life in Southern California

6.     Have a car before the year is over

7.     Go somewhere (maybe two places) I haven’t been before

(I’m thinking start small, like San Diego?)

So, my family has this somewhat of a tradition, where every year for a few days after Christmas, we drive to a resort in Oregon and sort of hide away for a few days. We are here until a day or so after New Years, but where the magic happens is the evening of New Years. We watch the countdown on television like the rest of the world, but before it counts all the way down, my Dad starts to pray. My mom usually follows after him or ends and my sisters and I (sometimes Zion too) fill the spaces in the middle. And then, after we finish, the ball has dropped, we turn the T.V volume back up to hear the celebratory music and pass around the sparking cider bottles. It’s a special little moment that I sometimes take for granted because I get on Instagram and Facebook and see all my friends dressed up and out with people. But I get the opportunity to pray in the New Year with the very people who are constant throughout it.
This praying in the New Year always seems to set the tone just right for whatever it is we may go into.

I love the start of a New Year because its essentially feels the way a new journal or planner looks. I just think of so many pages, empty and waiting to be filled or scribbled on, maybe have to white out a few things. Those empty pages are ready for stories, for tears to stain them and exclamation points to tear their pages a little bit. New years are ready to be lived, whatever that may mean.

2013 was an adventure, one I wouldn’t change for anything.
But I am excited to see another year, one where I pray that God is overwhelmingly present; a year I hope is filled with art and things that really gets my heart beating abnormally. A year filled with new friendships, encounters, experiences and life lessons. I’m learning that I could try to plan this year down to every possible detail, but then God will probably be like "LOL stop." And so I wont.

Lord fill this year, with all that you have intended.

I can’t wait to experience it.

Words.

New Video Uploaded to my Youtube Channel!

http://youtu.be/yg5liEv9RyM

But... I don't want to be a Proverbs 31 Woman yet.

Proverbs 31 says:

Who can find a noble wife?

    She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband trusts her completely.

    She gives him all the important things he needs.

She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life.

She chooses wool and flax.

    She loves to work with her hands.

She is like the ships of traders.

    She brings her food from far away.

She gets up while it is still dark.

    She provides food for her family.

    She also gives some to her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it.

    She uses some of the money she earns to plant a vineyard.

She gets ready to work hard.

    Her arms are strong.

She sees that her trading earns a lot of money.

    Her lamp doesn’t go out at night.

With one hand she holds the wool.

    With the other she spins the thread.

She opens her arms to those who are poor.

    She reaches out her hands to those who are needy.

When it snows, she’s not afraid for her family.

    All of them are dressed in the finest clothes.

She makes her own bed coverings.

    She is dressed in fine linen and purple clothes.

Her husband is respected at the city gate.

    There he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen clothes and sells them.

    She supplies belts to the traders.

She puts on strength and honor as if they were her clothes.

    She can laugh at the days that are coming.

She speaks wisely.

    She teaches faithfully.

She watches over family matters.

    She is busy all the time.

Her children stand up and call her blessed.

    Her husband also rises up, and he praises her.

He says, “Many women do noble things.

    But you are better than all the others.”

Charm can fool you. Beauty fades.

    But a woman who has respect for the Lord should be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned.

    Let everything she has done bring praise to her at the city gate.

Here's my "thing" with Proverbs 31, the title of it is literally "The Wife of Noble Character",  and I can't help but say that I don't want to learn how to be a wife before I learn first how to be a woman, how to be myself.

This verse is constantly being given to us as a guideline for what a "good woman" a " good Christian woman" looks like. It is given to us as a reassurance when we accomplish something as if its saying, "Great! You're on the right track towards being this Wife of Noble Character!" Instead of being on the right track to being the woman of God we are created to be? When we continue to grow up and comfortable in our skin, Proverbs 31 is shown to us as if at the core of who we are, we're becoming who we were always meant to be: wives.

Here's the thing, I do love and appreciate the wisdom written in Proverbs 31. I think that it gives us great tools that we can use, however for where a lot of us are right now, only certain verses are applicable to our single, anywhere from teenage to thirty year old (or older) selves. 

So, here's where my fascination with Mary comes in.

Around this time, when hearing about the birth of Jesus, and old character friends such as Mary and Joseph start resurfacing into sermons, I find myself continuously being drawn to Mary.

We know a good deal about Mary, who she is, what she does, what she's known for.
Here are a few of my thoughts about who she/what she does etc: 
- The only woman (as far as we know) to have an immaculate straight up spiritual conception
- The mother of Jesus (The Son of Man, the ultimate sign of peace and new beginnings)
-  She has a certain faithfulness, that goes beyond being just loyal and consistent. She might as well be considered what we would call, a "Ride or die"
- She has a humble, non resistant servants heart
- She was pretty much the definition of "pure." (Pure of body, of heart, of mind and soul)
- She was bold, willing to take risks for the sake of what she believed despite what it could  have meant for her future, her life, her family
I could probably go on and on but basically, Mary was a straight up BOSS.

To me, Mary is one of the greatest examples of what type of women we can be before (and if) we become Proverbs 31 women.

She is bold, holding the type of boldness where she doesn't need any validation outside of what God gives her.

In that boldness, she is fearless (not to say that she doesn't feel fear because she definitely probably almost peed her dress when the Angel came to her and said "Oh hey, by the way you're going to be pregnant, but not in the way that you're used to and your husband won't leave or stone you, pinky promise") but she is fearless in the sense that she didn't let what fear she did have shake her.

Instead, Mary said, "Here I am Lord, use me." 

I wonder if she hesitated a little, if maybe she was a little indecisive, said yes but also said "Maybe just wait until I can sort of process this whole thing first." 

I sometimes forget that she was so young, she had so much time to have a "normal" life. "Normal", as in marry Joseph in the traditional way, give birth not while pretty much riding on a donkey or have all these people come see her shortly after before she even had time to take a nap and have a child who would grow up and carry out the carpenter business like his dad instead of dying on the cross FOR ALL OF HUMANITY!

Do you get what I'm saying here? MARY, is the type of woman who would speak in chapel, or write a really good book and we would automatically want to sit down and have coffee with her to pick her brain and quote her on Facebook. 

She is the perfect example of why as Christians, as women, we shouldn't settle for normal, comfortable or traditional.

She responded to the angel (basically to her new life calling) by saying, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”  Luke 1:38

She said "Yes,  I will be unconventional, bold and full of a fear that I wont let control me, for the sake of Kingdom work being done. "

THAT, is the kind of woman I want to be.

I would dare to say, that Mary was used in the biggest, most transformational, most impacting story that the Bible has, the one that starts the very foundation our Christianity stands on. 

Okay, now tying it all back into Proverbs 31 since that's the title of this blog and I'm about to end it so here comes the full circle...

I am not bashing Proverbs 31, and this isn't a hail-Mary blog, this is my attempt at re-aligning who we as women should first aspire to resemble (besides Christ himself of course). 

There is one specific part of Proverbs 31 where I think Mary comes in hand in hand. Its in verse 30 and 31 where it says, "Charm can fool you. Beauty fades. But a woman who has respect for the Lord should be praised. Giver her the reward she has earned. Let everything she has done bring praise to her at the city gate." 

Mary respected the Lord, in the way that most of us struggle to do... with her whole life. It wasn't about her and she knew that. It wasn't even about what she could get out of it, it was about the ultimate sacrifice, a woman who respected the Lord so much, who served him with her whole heart, her whole being.

I pray that I can be that type of woman before I know how to be one who can take care of a household, or know how to love her husband right. All of those will (hopefully) come into play but first, I want to learn a little from Mary. Learn how to be a woman who says "Yes", to an unconventional, nontraditional, sometimes uncomfortable life for the sake of kingdom work.

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

    and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

    For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

    and holy is his name." Luke 1:46-49

So here's to learning how to be women (maybe resembling Mary a bit), and learning how to be the best version of ourselves before we even begin to know what a Proverbs 31 woman could look like. 

We can't wrap our hearts.

The older I get, the more stressful the Christmas season becomes to me.
The older I get, the more I struggle with finding "the perfect gifts" for all the people I love so dearly.
The older I get, the more I realize how far our world is from really understanding what this season is about.
Black Friday sales turning into black Friday violence.
Tempers are tested when the one thing they were looking for in Best Buy is no longer there. 
There is not one store that is left un-touched. No sale left un-searched. 
Last night, I went to San Francisco with a few friends to get a little taste of city Christmas celebration and I just found myself completely overwhelmed and ultimately heartbroken at what I saw.
The streets were crowded with people, Starbucks in hand (myself included) going from store to store, collecting more and more bags as they went. See, I love the city especially at Christmas time, it's almost magical with all the beautiful lights, the people who usually have a smile on their face and everything just feels lighter, happier, and if I dare say more fulfilling. However, while I walked around with my friends, I couldn't help but notice those who's homes we were shuffling past, who were kept warm by scraps of cardboard and were used to people never really making eye contact with them. I couldn't help but notice as their eyes shifted while they watched bag after bag filled of all the reasons why they won't be eating that night because we have a list, we have things to get done, we have gifts to buy and gifts to get. 
Doesn't your heart break just a little at this?

Now don't get me wrong, I am not any less guilty than the next person with a cramp in their hands from the bags they're carrying. I am not any less guilty of saying "I'm sorry" to the man who just wanted a dollar as a I counted how much I have "left to work with" for the remainder of my gifts.
It all just makes me feel a little well...crappy.
I keep having to remind myself, its not about the gifts.
All last night, I just kept asking the question "Why?" 
Like, why do I feel I need to give gifts? Why do I feel I have to stress myself out to get the one thing that will produce a huge grin across my families faces?
Its because maybe around this time, we think that I love you is maybe just not enough.
That maybe saying "I appreciate you" just might not cut it.
But I didn't just want this year to be another "here's-my-gift-to-you-I-took-the-price-tag-off-because-my-love-for-you-doesn't-have-a-price" 

This year, I realized I want my gift to others... to be my heart.
I want each person I love, care about and hold dear to see the parts of my heart that belong to them. 
And then I also realized Oh wait, I can't wrap my heart.
This Christmas season, I realize that I want it to be less about the gifts and more about the moments that happen shortly after the gifts have been opened (or more so attacked).
I want it to be about my brothers laugh and the way my mother slowly comes to life after a good cup of coffee in the morning.
Its about realizing that I'm older and that the stuff under the tree can honestly wait until noon.
its about saying I love you through all the stuff that reminds us of each other 
But its also about remembering that IT'S JUST STUFF.
Next year it'll either be buried under some other stuff, and we'll replace it with more stuff.
We can't wrap our hearts, so instead we give stuff. Because its the hype and its the best we can do.
Look, I'm not anti-Christmas shopping or anti gifts, however I do think that sometimes we can get swept away with whats going on and not really stop to see.

Maybe this is my own nostalgic movie like memory but, I miss the moments where the Christmas season brought stories that made your insides feel warmer than coffee could.
You know, the stories about the person who paid for the toll of the car behind them
The lady who purchased a meal for the man outside who was too tired to rattle his change cup.
This season needs Christ back into it, it needs the reason why we celebrate it in the first place.
The season that reflects the birth of the Son of God, the prime example of love, grace, forgiveness and one that reminds us that life is a gift.

This season needs hope, not just more stuff.

So the next time we're out, lets try and remind ourselves what the Christ in Christmas looks like again.
What the (Holy) in Holidays could look like (roll with me on this one...)
What the hope in this season could bring to this world.
It's not about the stuff, the sales, and the lists, Its about the I love you, I appreciate you, the thank you and the way we try so hard to wrap each piece of our heart and give it to those we love and even those who may not be receiving anything this year but the smile you gave them, the warm cup of anything you placed in their hands, or the meal you bought, or even the decision to stop, truly look at them and say "Merry Christmas."

So, there's my holiday ramble.
Merry Christmas Friends.