This semester I started going to a 7am Thursday morning, bible study/ discussion of life/ what is God teaching you session. Though some days it is quite hard to roll out of bed, wash my face so that I can be somewhat coherent, and then sheepishly grab my keys, bible and journal to wander downstairs to my RDs apartment, it has been the highlights of my week (besides staff meetings which are my absolute favorite). One morning, in one of our discussions we talked about what is it that keeps us from God, what comes in between our relationship with him and hinders us from giving him our all. The answers ranged from school work, people pleasing, lack of humility, being too busy and for me.... it was singleness.
I have yet to really grasp the concept of that fact that in this singleness we are able to do SO much for the kingdom of God because we aren't having to shape our lives, or plans around someone else. There is a freedom in that... I know there is, but most of the time I am not the one to see or experience how important it is.
I say that my singleness gets in the way sometimes because my prayers often look like this; "God, if you could just send me someone, then my worship will be twice as strong, my bible readings will be more engaged, my conversations more passionate and I would just be a whole lot happier." I say that my singleness gets in the way because sometimes I walk into a church and
But I have to cut myself
We are human, we long and desire other human connection, love, etc I have that in so many other places but my mind can't help but wander to the places where I don't.
And it is in these times that I back track, I look back to any other guy I've ever had a connection or conversation with and figure out if any of those could ever work out in the near future.
I think of the ones who I have invested in and how I hoped that something long lasting would have come from it. This is not fair to them, nor is it fair for me and in the end, all it does is leave me wondering, broken and hurt.
Friends, right now I write this hurting, in a very tender and unstable state.
My heart longs for someone that I don't even know exists.
"I crave a love so deep, that the ocean would be jealous."
So this is where I must stop sulking in all that I dont have and instead crave what I do have, and thats the presence of God right at my fingertips, on the edge of my tongue just waiting to be called.I must remind myself that I am loved by the creator of love himself. That I am wanted by the same person who formed me in my mothers womb.
I have to push my human desires aside, and realize that I have the opportunity to have a heavenly love that could not even compare to the constellations in the sky.
It is breathtaking and I am so undeserving.
I must realize that life is nothing but a collection of many seasons.
This one I am currently in, is sometimes lonely, very humbling and exhausting one, but it is also glorious. It is the season that I learn about all of the little makings of who I am, in a raw and upfront fashion. It is where I build friendships and have coffee dates with people that could very well be the same ones who I will share my wedding day with.
I must also realize that this is normal. That I am not alone.
But most importantly?
I must be patient, understand that HIS timing is the best timing,
that I can orchestrate all sorts of fabricated, temporary relationships that I want, but they will not be the one he intended for me.
Maybe its just me,
but it helps a whole lot to get all of this out. Maybe its just for the sake of releasing or for the sake of reading it to (myself).To remind (myself) of everything I already knew to begin with, but had to sort out all the pieces in one place.
Broken hearts are somewhat inevitable, thankfully we have a God who promises to mend every scattered and jaded piece. He promises that without a doubt, when it's all said and done, we will be made whole once again.
I will be whole once again.
