I think its safe to say that just by re-listening to this song I realized where my mind was the very night before walkabout. Nervous, anxious, unsure, doubtful, full of angst, and worried yet at the same time the words "Redeeming" and "Redemption" kept ringing in my head over and over again giving me a sense of peace that was not coming from my frantic mind.
This year I was placed on the all
I think that's what doubting God physically feels like, the uncomfortable depth of a stomach drop.
That moment where everything mental and physical takes over and you completely ignore the slowly yet rapidly approaching spiritual storm that is about to blow your mind. In that moment when my stomach dropped, God ignored my nervousness and doubts and immediately started moving the moment all twelve of my teammates approached one another for the first time. It was very clear what we were all thinking,"We don't want to be here." And strangely this uncomfortable understanding is what started as the foundation for the solid team that we became by the end of those ten days.
The morning we left for Walkabout I woke up with the worst sore throat I think I have ever experienced. It hurt so badly that talking was completely out of the question, this was my state of being for about the first five days. It was agonizing, here I was more mentally prepared for walkabout and less full of fear, excited to get to know the women I was surrounded by and all I could do was listen.
This was lesson one for me during this trip. From the very beginning God put me in a place where I was called to be in a position of listening. This is ironic for numerous reasons; for one, I love to talk and secondly, I was a returner! How could I not talk?! I knew so much! I had one year of this under my belt, and I was so ready to give pieces of my experience to whomever asked. But that was not where I was supposed to be for those first couple of days, I was supposed to listen to every conversation I couldn't be apart of, listen to every fear that was whispered and pick up the little attributes that were said of who each woman was.
This time of listening probably consumed the first five days of this trip, but after almost thirty-six hours of sleeping during our 48 hours of solo I was good to go. But there was a constant whisper in the back of my mind for the rest of the trip, continue to be in a place where you can lead just by listening.
I could not possibly begin to describe every conversation that happened, I could not describe every really good and stretching moment, but what I can say is that though I was nervous about the whole all women's team, God showed up through my nervousness. He put himself in each one of those ladies and I was able to see more and more of who he was through them. I was reminded how much I love when a group of women know how to come together, set aside our differences and comparisons and just love and encourage one another. How often do we as women forget that we know exactly what each other needs to hear? We know where our fears and insecurities are pin-pointed and that should be all the reason why we do everything we can to lift one another up in a way that only we as women understand how!
But we are fallen and broken people and therefore are not so great at doing this, we struggle and we bicker a bit and continually find ourselves comparing and figuring out ways that we don't measure up. When we all return back to campus, we have dinner with our teams later that evening. When we all met up again that evening, I sadly found myself looking at my now showered and all dolled up teammates in comparison. How pretty their dress was, how great their legs looked in heels, how nicely done their makeup was and a lot of negative thoughts flooded towards my own appearance. I had to stop myself in that moment and be reminded that NO, this is NOT what this is about. I had to remind myself that these were the same women that just hours before had dirt crusted under their glitter nails, the same women that I had been challenged by and hiked with. I had to acknowledge that yes, they are beautiful but they are the same real and genuine women that I spent ten days in the wilderness with, the same women who constantly reminded me of my own beauty that I really hesitate to see sometimes.
Friends, in just moments the enemy will be quick to bring us down, he will not hesitate to take a moment that was meant to be treasured and turn it into a huge dump fest. We are in every way capable of stopping in these moments and turning it around so that our God is glorified and the center yet again.
Team Swift was just what I needed for this trip. When I thought I had no room left in my heart, they showed up and squeezed themselves into their own little corner and its there that they will remain.
As the trip came to a close, and all the RAs found themselves back together again there is one final thing that we must accomplish. For each person it looks a little differently as to why we are doing it but its that last declaration of "I've made it this far, I can go a little further because of....(insert the people who have impacted you so much that you're pretty much willing to go great distances for)." There are three marks for this final journey, there is a three, six and nine mark. I did the three last year and it was great, I felt accomplished and ran for my family and the hall of girls I was training for. I told myself I would do the six just to feel accomplished for this year, that was until someone very special came to me and asked me, "Are you doing the nine?" She then preceded to say, "I'll be at the top if you decide to...just so you know. This is your year." I made it to the sixth mark and the encouraging RDs/ARDs at that station asked if I was turning back around, I told them I didn't think so and kept going up to the ninth mark. What was happening? My mindset wasn't ready for nine! Where the heck did I think I was going?!
I am an over analyzer... I like to really process and think through things. Even though I knew that there was someone I really care for and respect at the top of that mark, I also kept thinking to myself, "What if Christ himself was at the end?" "What if he was waiting there with his arms wide open and maybe even a nice cold ice water in his hand too?" What if he sat there anxiously waiting for us to go that extra stretch for him. I realized that I wanted more. That I so desperately wanted more and more of Christ, that my determination though lack of physical strength kept me going because at the end of it, it meant more of Christ and everything in me yearned for that.
When I got close to the end, I noticed someone coming towards me in a cute little blue athletic skirt. It was one of my walkabout guides and she approached me with a sassy, "Hey Rockstar", I laughed and my abs ached. She asked me who I was doing it for and that she didn't know I was planning on doing the nine, I told her neither did I. When we continued on, two people I didn't know approached us. They asked my name and who I was persevering for, I told them their were groups of light houses in my life who have shaped me into who I am and that it was for them. One of the guys asked if he could pray for me and right there, in the midst of speed walking he did.
What. was. happening.
Side-note: If you want some encouragement, and not just nice words to boost your ego but really heart tapping, spiritually uplifting encouragement...find an RA. This years group of RAs are already some of the most self-less, willing to love at all cost type of people I've ever known. They are willing to stop and pray for you in the midst of anything, our faith needs more simple moments like that.
After I finished, my teammates ran towards me being the awesome uplifting, encouragers that they are, we embraced each other smelly and now sweaty in awe of our accomplishments as a team.
What a beautiful moment.
There is a closing commencement for us as RAs before we officially leave the mountaintop.
When our president gives us these little tokens of wisdom to keep in our pockets for the rest of the year, and we acknowledge the people in our lives who have allowed us to be the leaders we are today.
Its basically really emotional, at least for me. Having words poured into you by people you honestly haven't even met yet, and from people who have watched you struggle and wrestle with yourself and who you are, the people who have wiped away your tears and embraced you as snot flung out of your nostrils. Its in this moment where we as RAs receive a full cup that we honestly don't deserve, its where we are humbled and realize how unworthy we are yet God tells us we are worthy.
If I were to sum up these ten days in just a few words I would say:
Exhausting, Overwhelming, Redeeming, Challenging, Uplifting and so very worth it.
Walkabout 2013 was a blessing to say the very least, it was necessary for exactly where I am right now. I have so many tokens of wisdom and encouragement in my pockets and I pray that I don't forget any of them.
Maybe I'm still in that really emotional "moment after", where you can still hear God just as clearly as you did when you listened for 48 hours during solo, but I don't want to lose this "euphoria", this really intense and intentional God moment because he is moving and we get to be apart of it.
As Charlie Moore the director of Rezlife beautifully stated,
"It's not a what now moment, its a now God moment.
It's about being present and showing up, its not about us."
It's not about us.
It's about the work HE is doing through us.
It's about the people we get the privilege to love and serve.
It's about being present. Right here. Right now.
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