Sunday Shoots and Vulnerable Ramblings.

I approached today knowing I would be capturing some beauty shots of a friend, with little intention that I would be photographed myself.

Its shallow, but sometimes we need to look at pictures of ourselves and see our beauty staring in front of us.

It won't look like her beauty, or his, or anyone else. It will look like YOURS.

&& that's all the beautiful you need to be. 

If I could do anything for the rest of my life, it would be an advocate of beauty.

True, pure, unscripted, flawless and yet imperfect type of a beauty, that is possessed by every individual.

I know what it's like to wake up in the morning and know that the very sight of yourself in the mirror will make your stomach churn. To consistently think to yourself how you're not worthy of anything.

To constantly compare, and pretend that you can give yourself attributes that aren't yours to have.

THAT is no way to live.

We weren't  just thrown together on a whim, we were created. 

Do you know what that means?

Cre·ate

krēˈāt/ 

verb

past tense: created; past participle: created

1. 1.

   bring (something) into existence.

   synonyms:

   produce, generate, bring into being, make, fabricate, fashion, build,construct;2 cause (something) to happen as a result of one's actions

synonyms:

bring about, give rise to, lead to, result

That means who you are, how you were hand sculpted and formed was INTENTIONAL, not by mistake or "just because" it was to bring YOU, all of YOU into existence.

 I have changed my insecure, shallow prayers from "Lord, let this be skinnier, take this completely away, let me be seen like this by others..." to 

"Lord, let me see myself the way YOU my creator sees me."

This is in no way by my own doing, I have had a lot of people pouring into me in terms of how they view me, how they see God through me, how their prayer for me is for me to see my worth. It has been and continues to be a journey of soul searching and beauty finding.

But I've learned that it comes down to this...

L O V E.

Y O U R S E L F.

because there's no way anyone else can love you better, until you learn how to do it first.

Sometimes it takes capturing their beauty for others to really see it.

I like to pretend I'm a photographer sometimes...

Model: The Beautiful and Talented Faith Bowman. book her.

Tonights mental Rambling.

And when we as artists create, we are reminding the world that beauty still exists, that even dead stories have a heartbeat and that God is always present in every poem, dance, paint stroke, and song.

21 Lessons While being 21

I didn't read it over and over to try and get it right, I wanted it to be raw just in the same way I wrote it. Its more of a list of thoughts than anything else. Here's a look into my year and my mind.

Video Link Here

21 lessons while being 21
1. You have to love yourself before you can begin to love others right
2. Your purity ring is not magic, it is not Prince Charming or the promise that what you're waiting for will come when you want it
3. Coffee is always a good idea
4. The best kind of pain is a stomach cramp after laughter
5. Sometimes friendships are not always meant to last
6. The protection of your heart can take priority over someone else's and It doesn't mean you are selfish
7. Listening to Jessie McCartney is not only socially acceptable but encouraged
8. You're not superwoman, but wearing your cape anyway allows other people the courage to do the same
9. Beauty is equally facial features as it is heart and mind
10. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness
11. You don't always have to be doing well, sometimes you can be honest and simply say you're just okay... You have learned that some people will stop to listen why
12. Your Instagram likes mean nothing, you will still spend evenings writing to forget that you are alone
13. Loneliness is beautiful, embrace it
14. Being confident is not always cocky, learn to wear it proudly in your namesake
15. You have learned how not to turn away when staring your flaws in the mirror this is called acceptance
16. Heartbreaks can happen in many different ways ... So can healing
17. You are loved and deserving of being loved
18. days without makeup are necessary for Sanity and raw self devotion
19. Late, crisp evenings are perfect for writing
20. Just because a season is over doesn't mean your relationship with the people in it are over too
21. You are loved and so deserving of being loved

Bloom where you are planted

Bloom where you are planted.
That's really easy to do when your resting in good soil, with a lot of nutritious food giving you energy, the sun is shining not too brightly but enough for you to appreciate the rays, allowing you to grow in a bountiful and prosperous way. You blooming in that place feels not only right but really really good. But what about when you're planted in something that soil is a bit more rough, we squirm uncomfortably and it seems as if a lot of hard things are trying to do everything they can to make sure you're not rooted. There is no sun, just a lot of rain and it makes our leaves and spirit really heavy.
So instead of it feeling right or any type of good, we feel wrong, insecure, and incapable of blooming. That's when we start to uproot ourselves and attempt to messily plant ourselves in whatever else feels comfortable or better. 
I am a huge believer in blooming where you are planted, however I am also starting to realize that blooming where we are planted can be 1. A process 2. Not always an easy process and 3. Sometimes uncomfortable. I believe that sometimes we are put in places where we are planted in that tough soil just so that God can show us that even in the midst of that, we can bloom prosperously because of his watering. But then we turn around and say that in reality we're just "not being where we should be" and so we okay maybe just I, uproot myself somewhere else that feels "better" or "right" aka "comfortable". 

Blooming where we are planted doesn't mean just stay stuck where you are because you're rooted there, so you have to. No, it means being present where we are, in that rooted season waiting to bloom.
It means snuggling into where we are and resting there. It means maybe letting the discomfort and the challenges rest with us, until we overcome them and we will.  It doesn't mean focus on the next place we're going to be planted in, or the next person or conversation. It means in this moment, right now, to sit in our soil and let God do whatever it is he has planned. It will be a process, that's not always easy, we will second guess if that's even where were supposed to be because its not comfortable but usually that means its exactly where we should be. And that God is moving around us, through us and with us, that's why we feel so swayed, discombobulated and "un-rootable" (that's not a word but it is in this blog). When we are rooted, God is moving around us through that good or rough soil, so be present there, wait in that season of blooming and see what he creates.

Bloom where you are planted, not where you feel like you grow best.

Bloom where you are planted, not just in good soil.

Bloom where you are planted, even if its uncomfortable.

Bloom where you are planted, just bloom. 

And be proof that we are being saturated with the waters of Christ.

New Senior. Old Tricks.

Its Sunday and today marks the second week of school starting.
Last week, I found myself starting to get overwhelmed when my schedule began to unfold before my eyes. Classes, work, extra circulars, RA...did I really say yes to all these things?
During my first one on one with my RD, he asked me how I was doing and the first words out of my mouth were, "Slightly overwhelmed." Its so hard coming back early from summer for RA training and really engaging in those moments with your Walkabout Team and your staff and other Ra's and then the summer camp euphoria somewhat slips away when you realize, "Oh, wait...I'm here to be a student." RA training comes to a close and then it just becomes being an RA and then work is added to that and then your 10am-5pm class schedule and weekend commitments, club meetings etc etc. And then you slowly start to find yourself forgetting how to breath easily, everything is tense and stressed because you're just trying to fit everything in your schedule.
This was very much so my entire year last year. Now don't get me wrong, it was absolutely, hands down the most life-giving, purpose filled year I have yet to experience. However at the end of it, I had lost weight I didn't intend too because I just wasn't eating properly, I'm anemic and my blood count was dangerously low, I spent the summer sleeping a little bit more than is healthy and I felt like I at least  needed a few weeks to "get back to myself again."
We live this fast-paced, no sleep, whats-next-on-the-schedule type life style so well that its dangerous.
The mentor type people in my life have both consistently asked me, "What do you want to change this year?" See, as we all know... going into your Senior year means adjustments, growth, and lots of changes. There are new things happening and we have to live according to them. Looking back on what a beautiful blur last year was, I realize that in this last year, I want to do life slower. I want to be really intentional with every little moment. I also want to take care of myself. We need to take care of ourselves. 
I have been a "believer" or involved with Christianity all of my life, I know what that seventh day of rest is supposed to look like. Do I follow it? Most times... actually no, not at all. Do I want to? most definitely.
My answer to the "What do you want to change this year?" was that I really want to learn what a Sabbath looks like. Today, was my first attempt of that. I and another RA had "Weekend Duty", where on Friday and Saturday evening from 7:30pm-1:00am we are in the Rec Room, going on rounds and basically being present for residents who may come around. Most of you who know me, know that I am a grandma when it comes to late nights, anything past about 10pm is rough for me. Which is why when today rolled around I decided before I went to bed (at around 1:30 this morning) that when I woke up without an alarm, is when my day would start. For me that was at about 12:30 in the afternoon ah yes, sweet sweet beautiful rest I have yearned for you.
Having a Dad as a pastor, and being a  ministry family makes it really hard for Sundays to be a Sabbath because its sort of a work day. My Dad preaches, my Mom and Sister work on the PowerPoint's, my other sister and I usually did worship. Coming home from church meant that my parents would come home and KNOCK OUT on the couch, usually they were next to each other, both of them with glasses on, maybe my moms phone in her hand and my dads tablet on his lap (its always really cute). But for us, going to church was apart of that Sabbath, in college I've slowly come to realize that even going to church is sometimes more exhausting than it is life giving. I find myself sometimes sitting in church dozing off and being elbowed by whoever I was sitting next to or staring at the Pastor, not really listening but wondering how many points he was going to talk about until he said "and Lastly..." so that I could come back to school and take a nap. And so I learned last year, that sometimes waking up at 11 am and watching Church online while still in bed, is not a bad thing. That waking up at 12am and then doing YouTube video workouts while watching 13 Going on 30 because your roommate left it on, is not a bad thing. We need rest. We need to be rejuvenated. If we continue to rush into each week, each year, without spending sometime practicing rest, we're really never going to know what living really means, just know how to do and not be. 

So here I am, new Senior with the old tricks... learning what a Sabbath looks like. And for each of us, it looks differently but for me today, it looked like watching 13 Going on 30 , YouTube work outs and writing this blog.
Today, I am rested and rejuvenated. Thank God for Sabbaths.

"By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work." Genesis 2:2 

Womens Day is always my favorite day.

Training for Rez Life is probably one of my favorite things about summer.
Its not just about sitting in a classroom and attempting to learn how to take enough notes that will help you be a better RA, its about real life situations, learning who we are as individuals, as believers and student leaders. One of my personal favorite days is Women's Day (there's also Men's day but that's somewhat of a big ol' secret to me considering I'm not a man :). On this day the men and women of Rez life are split up and get the opportunity to rest in the homes of those who open their doors to a group of young people. It is one of the most refreshing, encouraging, and spiritually uplifting days that I experience.

This year, the theme for Women's Day was focused on being sculpted from the painful and uncomfortable experiences that we have in life. Cara Jones, the RD of Shire East sent me this overall idea for what she envisioned for that day, "The idea is that even in the midst of our suffering, or our challenges, or our discomfort, the Lord is using that to transform us to look more like Christ. This could encompass actual persecution for our faith and even small things like holding firm to our faith while we are lied to about our self worth, our body image, etc. " 
So this is what I used to write the piece for Women's Day to share with the ladies I am blessed to work alongside. 
I wrote it to the song: "You know me" By Bethel Music - http://youtu.be/cVVlMQved8k feel free to listen to it as you read. I don't usually name my poems so here it is; 

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory”

I find myself wondering how Gods hands moved when he created Eve

Did he get cramps in his fingertips as he pressed into each side of her to create her womanly curve?

Did his hands grow tired as he formed her face, every freckle and every mole?

As he shaped her nose into the perfect point with just a hint of roundness

Did he want her to be as majestic as he was, but with just a touch of humble attributes?

Did he think of any of this when he thought of creating me?

Was I made with just the amount of hand cramps and creative discomfort that artists feel in their palms

There is something that fascinates us about painful things that create something breathtakingly beautiful

Like giving birth

Its one of woman’s greatest pains and yet simultaneously the greatest blessing

It is both suffering and tribulation

We are drawn to broken things that are given the chance to redeem their beautiful that has been hidden for too long

We connect to them because they are us

Broken and suffering beings constantly searching for our beautiful underneath flaws, imperfections, heartbreak and anguish

We are willing to suffer for the sake of being beautiful underneath the saltwater tears

I am reminded of how beautiful life is

When I think back to the moment where my hero, my best friend, the woman who birthed me fell and hit her head on a window ceil

He was in the hospital for two hours and I had no idea what they were doing to her or what her condition was

I contemplated the absolute worst and sat squirming in uncomfortable hospital chairs brainstorming ideas for my own suicide

Simmering in the idea that if I had lost her nothing beautiful would come of it therefore there would be no reason for living

I understood in that moment what it meant to suffer for the sake of others

Not being able to control a heartache that doesn’t even belong to you

The stretching of personal growth that ultimately makes you stronger

I have experienced what loneliness feels like when it sits around you like warm bathwater

I have spent countless nights crying tears of just wanting to be wanted

No bible verse or worship song has soothed a heart that always feels as if it’s shattering like unstable pieces of broken glass

We as women never forget our heartbreaks, even though our souls no longer long for the ones who broke them

We remember every sad song we listened to and the way we cried on our bedroom floors for hours

We never realized that he was just making it a little bit stronger for the person we would give all of our love to and deserve it

We are artists of our suffering

Using every uncomfortable experience and letting it mold us into the women we have always been meant to be

Michelangelo is famous for his sculpted form of David

It is said that he used a stone that no other artist wanted

He used the one that was considered worthless, incapable of contributing to any type of masterpiece

But he chiseled away at the stone until it turned into one of his most well known pieces

He worked away at every part of that stone that did not contribute to his vision

We are Michelangelo’s David to Gods Creation story

A slab of stone that everyone has tossed away and deemed unworthy

We are evidence of Christ’s Chiseling

Stripping us of everything that is not who we were meant to be

We are beauty from pain

A creation made new and flawless

I have shifted uncomfortably in my own skin for the past twenty-one years

I have tried to shed myself from unwanted attributes that have always been necessary and apart of my masterpiece

I have attempted to chisel away at my imperfections and turn them into flawless magazine type desires

But at the same time God is shaping me into his own creation

Chiseling and molding the parts of me that are necessary

And I am learning not to shift and sway uncomfortably

But sit and rest is his shaping

Shauna Neiquist has said

“I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy.”

We don’t always want easy

But then we don’t want hard either

We want something that in the end we know that it will be worth it

We want uncomfortable because our quiet prayers are hopeful that it will turn into beautiful

We want heartbreak and hurt because it will give us what we need to know a heart full of joy

We want suffering because we know it is necessary for healing

We want gritty and ugly because their will always be something worth treasuring in there somewhere

We cannot be a gender of only happily ever afters because we’ll never learn anything

Every experience

Heartache

Anguish

Joy

Perseverance

Stretching and uncomfortable occurrence is necessary

Because we are chiseled and transformed into the masterpieces that Christ has seen in us since the day we were allowed to breath for the first time

We are not magazine fantasies or desires because our very being is not something people can just Photoshop

Our hearts are not just soft tissue; it is a battleground and a resting place

We are transformations of unlovely into lovely

Beauty from pain

An image of sculpted perfection

“We, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory” (2 Corinthians 3:18).