Trust.

Hi…my name is Arielle

And I have a problem with trust

Its not that I cant do it

In fact I just do it way too much

Vulnerability at its finest

Write it on a billboard

Graffiti in red to resemble the cuts of invasion that rip into it

And the wound grows deep

wrenching open everything I thought I was hiding

So I’ve cried tears of defeat that mold slowly into sobs of helplessness

In psalms it is written that joy comes in the morning

But my sorrow must of forgotten it’s a new day because its reminisce of last night still hangs above me

And I know

I know… I serve a God

Who has split open seas and washed it over enemies

Who has covered human flesh from burning furnaces

But for me personally

It’s hard to trust a being I can’t see physically even though its clear how present he is in absolutely everything

Id rather fall backwards into arms that I can feel

Than dive head first into the security of a God who gets questioned if he’s even real

See I can handle this I can do it all myself

I don’t need your help

I will pick up my own broke pieces of insecurities

And glue them back together with my little bit of sanity

Why can’t you just make yourself present to me?

I don’t know what you want from me

Do you want me on my knees?

Do I need to cry tears of Father please?

Take this cup from me

I have given you my incessant need for planning

God this is your year just direct me

Is my plead but occasionally I think I can take the lead

Possibly pilot my life as if I have the right coordination’s

Eventually it just becomes an equation with no solution

Look at this disaster

I'm surrounded in my own pollution

And so I start to lose sight of what trust even means

I can easily define trusting in man made things

A chair

A home

The bed where I lay my head

And God made human beings

My family

My friends

The ones who were supposed to love me but ultimately took my trust

Placed in their back pocket

And sat down on bus stops

My heart stays placed on my shoulders

But my trust I have in open hands like silver platters

I slowly had to learn that not everyone would hold my heart in their hands

Carry it with them through all ends and treat it like the source of life that sustains me as if it is only my lungs that I need to breath

And then it comes down to trust in the creator

Mother Theresa once said

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

 I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”

I know what she means

This hold i'm in financially

God I know you’ll provide

Eventually

But i'm standing here so helplessly

Deaths and surgeries in my family

Why am I not there physically? This path you’ve placed me on separately

I just sometimes need it to coincide with the latest happenings

However answers are not something you owe me

Or anything at all

For you’ve already paid the price for every fall

So I turn my eyes to the one who ultimately sustains me

Ill lean on you comfortably like I rest on the roots of willow trees

Not really… but unlike dying greenery I know you will never leave me

Nor forsake me says Hebrews 13

And ultimately through this trust I place in your hands

You make promises unwavering to forever love me

What great symphonies that play quietly in the background

Of the fact that the creator of this universe values our insignificant human trust

 So if i must I hand it to you on silver platters

Placing my hands in my lap

Eyes closed

In you my trust is placed

For im sure that is its rightful place

Brace yourself March 2011

Brace yourself
This may sound...psychotic
Maybe even deranged And definately random
But..What if i said...that i loved you?
What if i said ive known you for so long
Heard your name over and over again like a droned out song
And yet my heart still feels like its been electrocuted
whenever it FINALLY registers in my fantasy consumed membrane
What if i said...that i loved you?
I know that sometimes this can be confused teenagers thinking their in love listening to taylor swift as blues
But really having no clue what its like to love you
Love you as in remember when we were young...
well younger than 19
And everyone held hands as if they really knew what it means
Because i want nothing more than for these crevices to be filled with your fingertips
Love you as in i can close my eyes and remember almost ever conversation we've ever had
and they sound even sweeter because maybe they are conversations that we really never had
Love you as in if you walked through those doors and stared me down
i would say yes before your knee had a chance to touch the ground
What if i said i loved you
And i know I know this is absurd
but i take in your every facebook status as if your updating your life with me
Whats on your mind?
Oh just how i know well never be
My friends think im insane, how do you expect him to love you back if he doesnt feel the same?
My excuse is just maybe your afraid
Afraid like i am because these walls built around my heart are going to take more than a chisel or kryptonite
But i will let you be my night in shining armor
Come and rescue me from this love that's starting to drown me
Suffocation from my own messed up fantasies
All im asking is for you to love me
Prove my ideals of men wrong because even if they claim to sing the songs of psalms
Their minds still seek to hurt me
Love me
be my harmony to my melody
My spiral to my notebook
My light to my candle
The laughter to my happiness
If you're a bird then I'm a bird
And baby if you jump then i jump
and i know. This is crazy But what if i said i loved you.
i want to fill a mental scrapbook of every time you've made the smile that appears on my face
i dont want to miss any moment that ever made you proud
and i want catching me to be your proudest
i want to be the girl where your mother whispers
thats her.
across the table as she smiles at me and tells me call me....
what if i said i want to grow old with you
i'm talking big empty house
somewhere in the south
porch swings
retirement and lemonade
where even the rustle of age that has flown through my face will not stop you from saying
i love you
you are the harmony to my melody
 light to my candle
laughter to my happiness
brace yourself.

I will wait (not really complete just some ramblings) May 2011

The thought of intimacy terrifies me
The idea that someone else beside myself will see me at the most
Vulnerable point a person can reach
Makes my insides turn

Were talking heart on your sleeve
Take as you please or leave it
Because I myself couldn’t even touch it kind of thing
And I can say that these thoughts are flowing freely now that the emotional trigger has been pulled
Thus I hold myself closer because in my reality I am my own weapon holder
Thus I hold myself closer because in this reality I am my own worst enemy

See, I have this misconception that vulnerability is weakness but in sincerity
At its best it can be the most powerful strength
So, This is why I wait
Because I can depend on my God when it feelings like i'm falling
Stronger than kryptonite and my hopeless romantic view of a superman cartoon
He is the great I am
On him I stand

I place this vulnerability to rest in his arms protected from my own nuclear bombs
So in him these fears of intimacy lay until the day
He allows me to give a piece or all of this heart away
To the man after his own heart
And though it may seem that really this silver band on this ring finger is a sign for security
This is a promise my heart and soul have made
With the validation of the most high king
Because I refuse to keep placing my heart in the hands of a man who doesn’t know a weed from a rose
I will not keep placing valuable memories in the minds of the ones who despise my God
No longer will I dream of kissing lips that quote their own lyrics instead of scripture
So I will wait
For the man who holds me but holds his Jesus Closer
I will wait for my night sporting the shining armor of Christ
I will wait

Wonderful

Psalm 139:14 says
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Your works are wonderful
I know that full well.”

Something must be wrong because I just can’t seem to make this stick
If I told you I believed this every second of every day
I would be lying
If I told you I believed this the majority of the time
I would be lying
But if I told you this sometimes
I just struggle with these words
I would be telling you the absolute truth
Mirror Mirror on the wall that’s the fairest of them all
Not me

And sometimes my mind beats hard with these fatalistic thoughts
The idea that I could be beautiful was a foreign concept
In fact the very idea of it made me cringe
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made

I’d believe this…but then I would be Attempting to accept a reality I didn’t believe was my own
so I clung to my own negativity because I found warmth in these fabricated ideas of appearance
 if I was skinny or maybe if I was lighter
 sometimes I just felt like these distorted thoughts would never stop choking me

Even those rare precious moments where I caught the attention of a gentlemen
And he happened to slip the  (B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L) 9-letter word

All I could keep telling myself is he’s just lying to me
how could I be everything he says he sees in me
when mirror reflections of repulsive stare back at me
so the idea that they're all the same
or they just want to play games consumed me
and yet those sweet nothings that he whispered to me seem to contradict my own sanity

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made
But it’s so much easier to say than to actually live that way
To post on facebook statuses and tell the girl to your side she is exactly what you wont believe for yourself
See, I used to think that big girls couldn’t be cute
That cute was for the dainty
The small pixie like girls who practically dance when they walk
And the attention of all the talk was them
And so I thought if I didn’t have so much curve maybe if my thighs didn’t rub because that’s not attractive
Or if my arms didn’t do that swinging thing every freaking time I moved them
Slowly I had to learn
That despite what the media shoved down our sensitive throats
Curves
Are
Beautiful
Everyone somewhere has beauty tucked within them weather its coated in lies that you feed yourself
Or sucked between the negatives verbalities that are daily thrown at you

I just have to say this, is to all the women who don’t think they're beautiful
Weather it be because you’re thick
Or you’re thin
Or your hair is blonde or brown

I’ve been there
Sometimes I’m still there
But instead of my prayers being God if you could just…
I turn these adjustments into assertions

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made
And one day these words will be my anthem
Ringing out every false thought

Because one day you will send me a man consumed with the flow of my words
And the depth of my passions
And not the sway of my hips
Or the way I move my lips
And even before then I will be convinced that I am beautiful
And I will know without a doubt and believe without question
With every bone and every curve
That I am beautiful

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
Your works are wonderful
I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:14

CONSUMED (Part 2)

And he questions

And asks

And commands

Stop trying to suffocate me

Just let me consume you

And by consume you I mean embrace you from the inside out

Making these butterflies within your stomach rise

You think its infatuation but the fact of the situation is

I want to consume you the way you consume drinks in starbucks cups

$5 dollars a day but I put no price on you

My beloved cant you see I want to consume you

To breath into you like your name was eve

And Adam don’t forget you were the first made in the likeness of me

I gave you eyes not to be covered with the scales of delusion

But to see the infusion of my love in places that don’t look like me

Walk by faith and not be sight instead the light that have placed at your feet

Better yet the light that I have placed inside of you

The light you could have abundantly if you only let me consume you

Don’t worry about the spotlight cos if you do it right eventually it’ll come back to me

I’ll let you take a second to breath

Moses witnessed the burning bush but we don’t have that luxury so Father God let that flame burn inside of me

Lord my only prayer is that you consume me

With every richness that exists

Joy that is nothing less than pure bliss

With the kind of peace known by a infant in their mothers arms

Let your warmth captivate me beyond physicality’s

So that I can be drawn to my knees

In that very moment when you consume me

Let everything I do continuously eliminate the I

Illuminate the you

Father we just want to be consumed by you

Thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in us

And I realize that there’s a lot of me, I, Us and we

Involved in these lines of poetry

But ultimately we are your vessels for kingdom lengthening

So as Colossians 2:7 says

Let your roots grow down into us and let our lives be built on you

And we will overflow with thankfulness

For our God is a consuming fire

We cry Holy, Holy are You
Our hearts are burning, burning for you

We are your burning ones

We are consumed by you

We set our lives apart

We are consumed you

Consume

CONSUMED (Part 1)

We are your burning ones

We are consumed by you

We set our lives apart

We are consumed you

Consumed

Saturated

Drenched

Father let your presence fill my lungs as if my name were eve

Shatter these earthly scales from my eyes so that your light may blind my spirit

Walk by faith and not by sight

This should be our prayer

Our anthem for everyday

But instead we walk in spotlights orchestrated around ourselves

And we become more like offspring of the world

Than the child of the creator

How sad it is when a father cannot claim his own child

We sometimes are consumed with so much that is not of God he doesn’t even recognize our face

Sin can sink deep within the place where his fire should dwell

They say it’s the enemies’ ugly head that rears in our direction

But in fact it’s his hands that capture our attention

Cos within them he holds the desire of worldly thrones

Claiming we can be its King and Queens

If we only bow one knee

But these are lies he plants within us and waters with deception

Light and darkness cannot reside in the same place

So how do you think those roses of spirituality will face the weeds of contradiction

The choking will last for only so long until its just death that creates the friction

But see what Satan doesn’t know is what you’ve already been given

Within you God has placed a key

That belongs to his kingdom

A kingdom that cannot be shaken and that’s where your name has been written

But we continue to play these consumption games as if we were Christian Barbie and ken

Thinking we are fooling someone with our helium-inflated ideas

All claiming in high-pitched unity that God is the flame inside of we

But really were just lighting our own match with ignition of ourselves

And in our minds were praising a God who looks just like us

Talks like us

And thinks like us

So now the match we thought we lit

Is still in the box we tried to put God in

And he stands by our sides as he watches us try

To put the greatest being of this universe

In a man made thing

He questions

And asks

And commands

Stop trying to suffocate me

Just let me consume you

With every richness that exists

Joy that is nothing less than pure bliss

With the kind of peace known by a infant in their mothers arms

Let me consume you