Trust.

Hi…my name is Arielle

And I have a problem with trust

Its not that I cant do it

In fact I just do it way too much

Vulnerability at its finest

Write it on a billboard

Graffiti in red to resemble the cuts of invasion that rip into it

And the wound grows deep

wrenching open everything I thought I was hiding

So I’ve cried tears of defeat that mold slowly into sobs of helplessness

In psalms it is written that joy comes in the morning

But my sorrow must of forgotten it’s a new day because its reminisce of last night still hangs above me

And I know

I know… I serve a God

Who has split open seas and washed it over enemies

Who has covered human flesh from burning furnaces

But for me personally

It’s hard to trust a being I can’t see physically even though its clear how present he is in absolutely everything

Id rather fall backwards into arms that I can feel

Than dive head first into the security of a God who gets questioned if he’s even real

See I can handle this I can do it all myself

I don’t need your help

I will pick up my own broke pieces of insecurities

And glue them back together with my little bit of sanity

Why can’t you just make yourself present to me?

I don’t know what you want from me

Do you want me on my knees?

Do I need to cry tears of Father please?

Take this cup from me

I have given you my incessant need for planning

God this is your year just direct me

Is my plead but occasionally I think I can take the lead

Possibly pilot my life as if I have the right coordination’s

Eventually it just becomes an equation with no solution

Look at this disaster

I'm surrounded in my own pollution

And so I start to lose sight of what trust even means

I can easily define trusting in man made things

A chair

A home

The bed where I lay my head

And God made human beings

My family

My friends

The ones who were supposed to love me but ultimately took my trust

Placed in their back pocket

And sat down on bus stops

My heart stays placed on my shoulders

But my trust I have in open hands like silver platters

I slowly had to learn that not everyone would hold my heart in their hands

Carry it with them through all ends and treat it like the source of life that sustains me as if it is only my lungs that I need to breath

And then it comes down to trust in the creator

Mother Theresa once said

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

 I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”

I know what she means

This hold i'm in financially

God I know you’ll provide

Eventually

But i'm standing here so helplessly

Deaths and surgeries in my family

Why am I not there physically? This path you’ve placed me on separately

I just sometimes need it to coincide with the latest happenings

However answers are not something you owe me

Or anything at all

For you’ve already paid the price for every fall

So I turn my eyes to the one who ultimately sustains me

Ill lean on you comfortably like I rest on the roots of willow trees

Not really… but unlike dying greenery I know you will never leave me

Nor forsake me says Hebrews 13

And ultimately through this trust I place in your hands

You make promises unwavering to forever love me

What great symphonies that play quietly in the background

Of the fact that the creator of this universe values our insignificant human trust

 So if i must I hand it to you on silver platters

Placing my hands in my lap

Eyes closed

In you my trust is placed

For im sure that is its rightful place