First official poem video!

http://youtu.be/ZpVA2yIYUSU

Happy Day of Love!

Tomorrow is just the fourteenth of February and it so happens to be a friday.

All the bitter people unite?
Let's scoff at the couple plans, make sarcastic jokes about what you will be doing on this day (probably alone), talk about all the different places you'll cry so on and so forth.
I am so very guilty of this.
I make sure people know that it is a personal struggle to not play Adele on this particular day (or at all) listening to it in the dark while sprawled out on my bedroom floor. Or how I can't help but remember how the extent of my "valentines" include my Mom or Dad except for this year when I sort of told the baby that I take care of, that he was my 2014 Valentine. He didn't say no, so I think we're good to go.

It gets pretty sad, this whole bitter approach, the sarcastic remarks or funny anti-Vday gags.
This day probably fosters a certain tartness in the mouth, It leaves us emotional and lonely. Why has this day become such an "inconvenience" for those of us who feel as though we can't celebrate it? Why does this day have to be one of grief or just overall discomfort? Why does this day insinuate that loneliness is a necessity if you don't have a significant other? Why does this day make us feel as if loneliness is a bad thing at all?
I am mostly calling my own self out on this one but here's the thing....
We have made Valentines day something I don't believe it has to be. Valentines day, is a day of love. Period. It's the day to be a little bit more intentional with who we drop our "I love yous" to and how we say it, about buying a pack of cheesy cards with great puns to make someone smile. It is the day that the married couple for almost 30 years, can finally have the time/ babysitter to go on a date and spend more than an hour together without having to change diapers, break up fights or put kids to sleep. It is the day where I am reminded how homesick I get, how I still long for my mothers voice, my fathers hug and the laughter of my siblings. It is the reminder that even through the constant hatred of this world, even when we assume it is dead and long gone, love still exists and pumps itself alive again at any given moment.
Valentines day isn't about couples and it isn't about loneliness for whoever is not a couple, we just mistakingly made it that way. It is about celebrating the people in your life who have loved you well. It's about remembering that you are a human being who is loved and capable of loving.

So here's the thing..
If you think you deserve flowers, go get yourself some flowers and maybe drop one off at a friends door. Remind yourself how blessed you are to have them, show them how much they mean to you.
If you want to go watch a movie, grab a friend...(or not and go by yourself...which I think everyone should do at some point in their life) and go see a movie!
If you want to get chocolate, GO GET YOURSELF SOME CHOCOLATE.
If you want to take yourself or someone else out to dinner, do it. 
If you have a friend throwing a fun little party, put on something that makes you feel good and comfortable and go. 
 There's literally nothing stopping you except your own bitter self.
So turn off the John Mayer Dreaming with a Broken Heart, or any Adele song, wipe your tears and go love on someone.

Valentines day should be the reminder that we are relational, emotional human beings with the magnificent capability of loving. Live today as if your heart has never been shattered, eat all the chocolate you want because someone said it was socially acceptable to do that, tell someone who loves you well thank you. 
And in the words of my precious friend who literally just gave me the cutest little handmade box with cookies and a daisy in it and a note that reads,

 "Happy Valentines day! You're probably rolling your eyes, but today is a beautiful day to celebrate the beauty of you and your heart." 

On this day, celebrate loving yourself, celebrate loving others.
Happy Valentines Day friends!

Honored.

Last Week I was interviewed by one of the writers for my Universities News Paper.
They select students to write "Profiles" on and in this weeks Clause, I was the student!
After an hour or so of rambling, continuously talking about coffee, how I enjoy dancing around my mod to Katy Perry and laying on my floor while Adele plays, she found solid quotes to write, here's what was written!
Beautiful job Kelyn, Thank you!
Article Here.

If you're not reflecting, you're not learning/How cool would be do a TED talk?

This evening in my group process class (which is hands down a favorite, in addition to my conflict management class) we watched a TED video about a woman with Schizophrenia, you can watch it here: http://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head.html (She has a British accent which is a huge plus, so if that doesn't give you more reason to watch it then I don't think we can be friends...just kidding). Eleanor tells us her story about her first encounter with schizophrenia about hearing voices in her head that were seemingly harmless at first but slowly turned violent and aggressive. To say that she stirred a lot of questions and emotions about my own identity is an understatement, because at the end of the class after watching the video, our professor asked us to reflect on what we have learned these past few weeks. Through this process of reflecting, I came to understand how deeply rooted I am in relationships. I am a being who I believe is so relational that at times it's a little unhealthy because I often dive head first into vulnerability with people without a life jacket whoops. So far, group process has helped me to better understand further who I am, what I stand for and what I'm passionate about all of these are so closely related to who I am as a relational being. 
So this is the conclusion I've come to through all of this, (if you're still reading thank you for trekking through that long introduction). My conclusion is this, identity is no longer mirror based, it is a process of internal awareness, internal understanding, and it is a form of internal exploration. It is because of this journey that we are able to see the internal make up of others. 
If that were the case, if this self awareness process was really the journey of knowing our internal, then I can't help but ask the question of Why is there so much weight/ focus on the appearance of the external?
I think its because we've lost sight of the fact that we are internal, relational beings who have been hurt and maybe stayed broken. So as hurt and broken human beings, we cover up all of it with our external because we can control that. We can decorate it and paint it so that it looks pretty, presentable and pleasing, we also control when and if people see it. There is so much power there and we often abuse it.
Imagine if we lived in a world, where mirrors reflected only the makings of our internal. Mirrors that showed us the raw and bloody insides in between our rib cages, all that makes us flawed human beings. Would we be able to see each other for our wholeness? Maybe. Would it scare us? Definitely. Would it be worth it? Absolutely. 

I just finished reading a book called "A Severe Mercy" that was given to me by a friend. And man oh man what a read! (...Do people say things like that?)
In a very small nutshell, this book has expanded my horizons on so many subjects such as religion/faith/love/relationships/identity/grieving. It is unreal how much this book has sort of just shaken up my world. Anyway, I bring up Severe Mercy because it is a love story of sorts (you'll only understand the "of sorts" part if you read it and if you don't well then sorry about it). It is a love story about two people, who meet off of the spark of a common ground that connects them. That small spark then fervently turns into a passionate, undeniable thread between the two of them. They don't just fall in love, they seek to explore the makings of one another in the most beautiful, intimate and yet (at times) painful ways. They saw one another for all that they were, but most importantly I strongly believe that they saw one another for who they were internally and it is their external (they were pretty attractive people) that was sort of just the icing on the cake. 
Two people unmistakably in love with one another and in the midst of their marriage never ceased to explore the other person for their wholeness, for their internal. They knew one another in the ways that would terrify us, because we've been hurt so many times, we've (okay maybe I've) made Adele songs our themes for our hearts state of being, we have been told that our internal needs work or it isn't captivating or worth loving. 
We are tattered, bruised and see no real hope or redemption in exposing the very core of who we are, because who is going to accept it?

I guess you could say that I am somewhat of a huge advocate for unadulterated, raw vulnerability. The emotional, mental and spiritual act of exposing ourselves for the sake of looking at our internal for all of its makings and embracing it. The scariest part of vulnerability, is that we will be left there standing bare and exposed left empty, cold and alone. But here's the best part .... (imagine this in a whisper but not creepily)... God meets us right there, in that place of bareness and exposure. I'd even dare to say that he comes up next to us, holds our hand and gives it a good ol comforting squeeze, then he fully embraces us right there in the midst of our journey of exploring our internal. He slowly pulls back every level of hurt and he unstacks every brick from the walls that we have so carefully placed around our hearts and he says,

"I want to know all of you. I see past your external and I so desperately and tenderly hold in my hands, the precious makings of your internal. 
And my child, I LOVE ALL OF YOU."

 Oh my Holy wow....
To be completely honest, I didn't really have very much expectation with how this blog was going to go but I find myself sitting in my mod, on this couch just drowned in.... complete awe.  Take a moment if you need to and let those words resonate with you in whatever way you may need them to.

In closing,
I saw that there is such beauty in the stories of others. So imagine just how graciously we would be able to view other people if we showed our internal too. Showed our struggles, our flaws, our doubts, our confusions, our hurts and all the nitty gritty of what makes us stumbling, messy human beings. 
I have been on this journey myself for quite a while, assuming that it was a surface level journey of being able to see myself as someone of worth, someone who could be considered beautiful, loved and desired. I think it is so much more than that now, it is the exploration of my internal, all that makes me Arielle Estoria Leda Wilburn.

So, who are you friends?
Who do you identify yourself as?
Have you dared to look at yourself in the mirror and instead of seeing love handles, abs, dimples, freckles, moles, legs and arms... do you see your internal? 
Do you see what you're passionate about casually swimming around your heartbeat? 
Do you see all of the butterflies in your stomach that each have different names of the people who remind you how exquisite it is to be alive? 
Do you see traces of grace in your lungs? Does it remind you how precious it is to breathe, inhaling and exhaling, does it remind you how so undeserving we are to be able to do so?

I dare you to dive into your own exploration of your internal and see what you can find.
I think we would celebrate ourselves more and speak to ourselves with a little bit more acceptance. It is through this process, that I believe we will fully embrace our own stories and know how to embrace others as well.

This is a lot of wishful thinking and I get that... but I still think its possible. 
Day by day, year by year you know ...step by step. Who knows if we'll ever reach that "ultimate" understanding or acceptance (we probably won't) but at least we kept trying.

Ramblings about Sunsets and life.

I know that Sunsets happens everyday, and so do Sunrises

Everyday they grace the sky with their colorful presence

And I can’t help but think that sunrises and sunsets

Are the constant reminders to treat life as invaluable as it is

because it won’t always be there

There’s no way we could ever get tired of staring down a sunset

Watching as the sun lays its head down behind waves, or mountains

and puts itself to sleep

In a way it says to us,

"Hey, you got another day, I hope you lived it well."

Wrecked for the sake of Grace.

John Chapter 4 tells us the story about the woman at the well and her encounter with Jesus.
It's not a story that is unfamiliar to us, it is used to remind us about the grace filled and redemptive attributes of who Christ is, it reminds us that no matter what we carry in our past or present, nothing is too heavy for Christ to handle.
In my devotional last week through the "She Reads Truth" plan, the focus was on John Chapter 4. The conversation between the woman and Jesus at first was fairly "surface level" at least in the perspective of the woman. Jesus asks if she would fetch him some water (v. 7), the woman is baffled and essentially says "Why me?" and then Jesus' does this great thing where he switches it around on her and basically says "Actually, you're right! I shouldn't be asking you for water, YOU should be asking ME for water" (v.10-13). Wait, what?
I can imagine that at this point, the woman maybe did a head roll with all the sass she could muster in almost an, "Uh, excuse me?" sort of way. And can you blame her? Here was this man who had the audacity to ask her for a drink of water, knowing full well the history between Samaritans and Jews and knowing that they are in no way associated, a man who in however long has encountered her without judgement in knowing who she was or what she has done.
The water that was being talked about back and forth was not just drinking water as the woman had first perceived, on the contrary, that water was the gift of grace. A gift that she was blinded to because she didn't think she deserved it due to her sin, her heavy mistakes and her life style. Her blindness to this gift of grace relates to when later in the text Jesus calls out another part of herself, the part that points out that she's a little bit of a "loose lover", she's got a few cards in her deck of relationships (v. 16-18). I can only imagine that this little factor in her life is this woman's biggest insecurity, the reason she stays out of social settings and keeps to herself. She responds to Jesus by saying something along the lines of, "Well obviously you've been in close communication with the big man upstairs because there's no other way that you could know my biggest insecurity, my biggest sin because for all these years I have done a REALLY good job at keeping them hidden" (v. 19). The recurring thought I had while reading this devotional was, "Oh dang, Jesus just called her OUT on her stuff." And when I say "called out", we can see in the verse that he doesn't do it in a way that leaves room for judgement, I think he did it in a way where she realizes that he sees her, he sees every part of her. He sees the misunderstood, the ugly, the buried, the judged, the sinful literally, all of her. He also sees who she is underneath all that messiness too. He sees that she is treasured, wanted, adored and loved. He sees her as the imperfect human being she is, in need of forgiveness, second chances and hope for something better.

The reason why I felt so compelled to write this into a blog is because of this:
Jesus in love, in honesty, in hopes of revealing our mistakes for the sake of beneficial change exposed this woman and seeks to expose us. He exposed her because he knows that buried underneath that messy imperfection was the chance for transformation, experiencing a foreign concept of mercy and a connection with him. He reminded her that she was not perfect and even better, that she doesn't need to be. 
In my journey of "Experiencing wholeness" this year, I realize that I want this challenge of being called out on my stuff for the sake of change and the continuous pursuit of wholeness.
But here's the scary part, I DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED OUT ON MY STUFF! haha let's be real, no one really likes being told "hey by the way, in case you didn't know you're not perfect and you've got some stuff to work on." Because if they do, then I just want to scream "YES I am! Go away, you don't know my life" and then I would proceed to self-scrutinize myself so heavily that it is beyond unhealthy.
Also, for some reason, none of us like "calling out each other on our stuff" for various reasons
1. We're scared and think we're going to lose a friend because of our honesty
2. We realize, who are we to judge?
3. We're scared
4. How do we know what to point out and not to point out?
We are so bad at this, that we cringe when people tell us we have something in our teeth or in our nose. We hesitate and second guess if we're going to tell our friend that their zipper is down.
I barely feel comfortable correcting people when they call me "Ariel" (Air-ree-el), AND IT'S MY OWN NAME!

Jesus told this woman about herself, the self she has tried to hide for maybe years and he didn't even hesitate. In a way, at times, I think we are called to do this for one another as the Body of Christ. Now before you get ahead of yourself, let me explain, WE are not called to just be exposing peoples imperfections, sins and mistakes regularly as if it were our 9-5 job because it's not. However, sometimes, it IS a responsibility that we carry as believers or just simply as people who love and wish the best for each other to remind ourselves that we are capable of being more. Because on the opposite end of that, we're also not supposed to be running around praising one another, pretending we're all perfect and holy as if we've got it all together because we don't.
We have a horrible pattern of sometimes pretending that we are these cookie cutter examples of Christianity, talking and pointing out people's imperfects when we ourselves don't have spinach in our teeth when we very well do.
In order to do this, in order to be these people who are able to truly see one another, is something we must approach carefully and with much prayer, seeking the wisdom directly from Him, otherwise, we're going to screw things up for ourselves and others.
I think that the goal behind it would be the reminder that we're already supposed to be able to honestly, maybe bluntly and with love, hold one another to the standard that Christ calls us all to.
That isn't perfection, that isn't hiding behind all that we were in the past, or the things we've done. It's a standard of grace that we're supposed to be held to, a standard of accepting our mistakes, acknowledging them and then letting them go and moving forward. A standard of transformation for the sake of uncovering who we are underneath the mess.

To clarify; This is not a blog to extend the invitation for all of us to go and point at one another and all our wrong doings. If we do that, then we are completely missing the GRACE factor, we're also just doing too much and need to sit down.
This blog is to challenge us to step outside of our cookie cuter mindsets and enter into an honest, upfront acceptance that we're not perfect and all of us have work to do in ourselves. It is declaring that we will challenge one another instead of waiting at each others hands and feet because that doesn't help anyone.
This is the challenge to be wrecked, confronted and stretched for the sake of Grace.

I accept the challenge, and would hope that my friends, those who know and love me to keep me accountable in that.
We're all the woman (or man) at the well at some point in life.
The real test is in how we respond to being put underneath the microscope.

In verses 28 and 29, the woman leaves Jesus and goes into town to tell the people about her meeting. She says, "Come see a man who told me everything I ever did, could this be the messiah?" 
With nothing hidden, everything exposed this woman encountered Jesus, the Jesus who saw her past her imperfections and sins. Friends, this woman wrecked for the sake of grace, is US.
Jesus desires to wreck us for the sake of experiencing his grace, he knows we're going to mess up here and there and he waits for us at the well until we come to draw some water. He also sends his people to wait for us at that well too, to represent on his behalf, to speak love and wisdom on his behalf, not our own.

Do we accept the challenge? Or do we keep hiding and pretending that "we got this"?
Do we accept the challenge? Or do we sit comfortably back into our Cookie cut out of who we think we are? 
I don't know about you, but I'm tired of pretending and I want nothing more than to accept this challenge. So here it goes.

Ah Lord, 
Here I am, accepting this challenge, desiring to be wrecked for the sake of experiencing your grace and wholeness that you have in store for me and for my generation.
In all things, may it be your will, 
Selah.

Pursuing Wholeness.

I have found God in my Church, long prayer sessions and good morning greetings. 
I have found God in Chapel, hands raised and eyes closed.
I have found God in summer camps and stargazing backpacking trips.
I have found God in revival concerts and dramatic redemptive filled skits.
I have found God at the bottom of coffee cups and Bible App devotional plans.
I have found God in my roommates feminist rants, life stories and inside jokes. 
I have experienced God in many different places, at different times and with different people.
And right now, I am in a season of wanting so.much.more of him.

These past few days, I keep feeling as if I'm backtracking for God in all the unhealthy ways you back track for past relationships. In places where the feelings are lingering but are no longer there, where there is nothing but bittersweet memories of where you left certain moments. I keep feeling as if I am recycling a God who is new and present every single day.
Our God is not one who is anything compared to stale, left over memories.
He is present and real right now.

But I'm at this place where I can't help but feel that I am searching for him in all the mundane, ritualistic and well boring places. And so, this semester, heck even this year. Instead of falling in love with God all over again, I want to meet him continuously over and over again as if it were the first time. Meet him in the places I would never expect or even look to find him. 
You know those moments when you meet someone new? It's refreshing and inviting,  you learn all the ways that you are similar, their likes and dislikes and passions that they have and maybe even share. It leaves you giddy for future meetings with that person and your hopefully continuous relationship, but sometimes that joy and frivolous attitude fades. See, I think our generation is obsessed with meeting new people, we like new things and new conversations and new adventures and places to go and people we could be. But then there's that dangerous aspect of meeting new people because sometimes we never get past the surface level "Let's-get-coffee-but-never-do" relationship. 
So I have this notion, that I want to have THAT with God. THAT as in, I want to have the whole "Hey-I'm-meeting-you-for-the-first-time" but over and over again AND have coffee with him... continuously. Keep the giddy but not superficial, keep the striving to reach deeper and not stay at surface level.  I want to dive head first into the vulnerable, messy, doubtful and beautiful parts of what it means to get to know Christ all over again. 
Tonight during Senior Chapel, Pastor Khristi said it perfectly when she talked about truly knowing and loving God, as a continuous "rediscovering" of who he is. That ultimately, it's this process of 

"A C T I V E L Y P U R S U I N G W H O L E N E S S " with God. 

YES. If there's anything I don't want, its a halfhearted relationship with anyone or anything. I want whole, pure unadulterated diving head first into rediscovery and I want that everyday with none other than my own Creator.

Lately, I have found God in poetry, the restless nights where my mind refuses to sit still.
I have found him in the work of the creative people who pour their everything into this art and hope that it pours back into them just as much.
I have found God in an unlikely friend who is filled with wisdom, who is loving in the way that roughens you up a bit first and in the way his occasional cynicism always leaks a trace of hope. 
I have found God in the discomfort of change, and  unfamiliar or uncomfortable moments.
I have found God in the faces of precious little babies who are just the embodiment of a tenderness and grace that can only come from him. 
I have found God in the infinite laughter and sass of my staff members. 
I have found God in the excitement of new dreams and projects, the type of excitement that bubbles over your passion and purpose cup making you rest a little easy, yet also too exhilarated to fall asleep. 
I have found God in the unknown, the plans and to-do-lists that are essentially thrown up into the abyss of nothing causing me to HAVE TO  completely trust in the fact that someone has to be orchestrating some type of direction for my life.
And with all this, 
I want to continue finding God.
In the new, the unexpected adventures and unlikely encounters.

I want to do more than just fall in love with God this semester, I want to actively purse a wholeness with him, rediscover the reasons why I know he is present, who I know him to be and who I don't know him to be. 
We fall in love too much with things, people and stuff, its become sort of this trend, but what would it mean to actively pursue a wholeness pursuit in rediscovering our God and the people he has put in our lives?

That is my heart this semester, expressed in late night blog post ramble and meaning every word.

So, what this look like?
I have NO IDEA but hope it looks something a long the line of an active, continuous, wholehearted, daring pursuit for so much more of him and all that he has intended.
Ah yes please. 

Because the year is about to end and it makes you all reflective and what not.

My goodness.
I am always slightly overwhelmed at the end of the year. I often sit somewhere, or go for a walk attempting to go back through all the events that took place, the memories, the people, the moments, the places, the conversations and you know just everything. 
This year was definitely one of growth. I think each passing year gives us that small gift of growth whether it is physical, mental, or spiritual. Regardless of what form it takes, every year has growth, sometimes it's really hard and uncomfortable but it’s also inevitable and necessary.
This might be the very first blog where I don't have every word wanting to flow out of me anxious and ready to be out.
I'm sort of still reflecting even as I write this, so bare with me okay?

This year was comprised of lots of little moments and key moments, specific groups of people and situations. So from my best memory here they are;

The people

-       My 2013-2014 Shire Staff

I could not have asked for a better group of individuals to work with throughout this year. I can’t get too sappy because I still have another semester to be with you, and my feelings could change… just kidding. I really do love all of you. Yes, even you Brian.

Adam, you’re the best dad a staff could ask for. You were a great surprise, thanks for being a rock star and for having a really great wife and child who we’re all obsessed with (okay well maybe that’s just me).

-       My Walkabout Team #Weouthere

Thank you for reminding me how women can love one another in the ways that only we know how to, Thank you for listening to my rants about beauty and my insecurities. Thank you for putting up with my sickness and for loving me unconditionally.

-       My Imago Bay

HOLLA FOR YOUR GIRLS…ALL OF THEM. I love you guys more than coffee, and you all know how much I love coffee so this is saying a lot. Thank you for your conversations that made late nights so worth it. Thank you for the laughter that sometimes carried me into a whole new day to where I stupidly started cracking up all over again class. Thank you for putting up and being comfortable with my weirdness, and still loving me. Lauren, I can get sappy with you because you’re all moved out now, but thank you for completing the Imago Bay puzzle, we’re going to miss your feminist insight and fiery, sassy comments in our conversations. I love you so much, come visit. David I guess you’re in this too ha! Thanks for being the addition to the Bay, conversations and laughter with you have been just the right touch to our little abode.

-       The constant foundation that is Chaili Trentham

You already know this but I’m going to say it anyway, I love you a lot. Thank you for challenging me and for keeping me under your wing.

-       My mentor, Kesha

Oh my gosh. I am so glad that I was intrigued by you enough, to where I creepily felt compelled to request you as a mentor, tell you about it and then have you actually agree. You inspire me so much; I needed, appreciated, and valued every one of our dates. Thank you for creating with me, and worshiping with me through art. I could perform next to your singing for the rest of my life. I’m so excited for another semester with your guidance.

-       2013, was the year where either friendships bloomed or were rekindled. I’m really appreciative and thankful for all of them. Even if I didn’t mention you by name, know that all my friendships play a huge part into each year. Being lonely sucks, so thanks for being there.

The moments (also in whatever order that they come to me in)

-       Serving as RA for a second year/ Surviving Walkabout a second time and thoroughly enjoying it

-       Two wonderful friends getting engaged/ asking me to be their bridesmaids…(sarcastically/ sometimes genuinely I want to be the girl in 27 dresses)

-        My 22nd birthday, was hands down one of the most amazing birthday I have had yet. Thank you for every person who made it so special, especially my really awesome party planning, sneaky roommates. And also my even sneakier family for visiting me the next weekend. I LOVE SURPRISES.

-       Speaking in Chapel… wait what? Let’s be honest I am still processing this but what I do know, is that there is no way that can be the last time. Though I was the most nervous I have ever been … ever, it was so fulfilling, and one of those moments where it just screamed purpose. Whatever that may mean!

-       Being one step closer, to seeing my self the way my Creator sees me, to being able to be comfortable in this flesh and bones, love myself and being able to share that with people. That’s a freaking scary thing to do, one that I would not normally be comfortable with, but he whispers in my ear consistently its not about you, its about what I can do through you. Selah.

-       Passing Neuroscience (yes, this is absolutely a memorable moment, Praise him from whom all blessings flow)

-       Lastly, The passing of my Grandfather Marvin. This was really hard, and even writing this I have to breath a little bit more just to keep my eyes from burning. Death is a natural, sometimes tragic, heartbreaking, uncomfortable and unfortunately necessary thing. It was unexpected and definitely not something I thought I would be writing about in my end of the year reflections but I know where he is, and I know he’s smiling down on my family and I every moment he gets.

-       Is there more? Probably. But just because this is my blog doesn’t mean I need to bore you with all my 2013 moments. The ones listed, are more than enough.

Phew. That was an exhausting and probably more emotional than it should have been reflection. And oh man, I am grateful for all of it.

Alright, so I don’t do new Years Resolutions. Who does? One reason I don’t is because; if I don’t write them down anywhere then I forget them. Secondly, I really like bagels and sweet coffee so any strict fitness resolutions besides just try to go to the gym until March just won’t stick. And Lastly, I think they constrict us from just being able to enjoy the blessing that is living a whole new year without having this huge “to-do” or “to-don’t-do” list surrounding it. Though I don’t have any resolutions, I do have goals for this year, and I think that’s a really healthy thing to do. Starting the year off with some type of goal or two is great because if you didn’t before, at least now you can pretend to answer the question about what type of things you hope to do in the coming year.

My 2014 Goals

1.     Graduate College

(This has to happen sometime in 2014, because I just can’t do that whole super SUPER Senior thing. May is out of the option, July is looking pretty bright, but there is a chance I could be at APU till December and after much self-counseling and nights eating crushed cookies in an ice cream carton…I’m accepting this.)

2.     Apply to Grad school

(Let’s be honest, I don’t plan on leaving APU anytime soon)

3.     Put together/ Publish two Poetry books

4.     Write my Pastors Daughter book

5.     Establish a life in Southern California

6.     Have a car before the year is over

7.     Go somewhere (maybe two places) I haven’t been before

(I’m thinking start small, like San Diego?)

So, my family has this somewhat of a tradition, where every year for a few days after Christmas, we drive to a resort in Oregon and sort of hide away for a few days. We are here until a day or so after New Years, but where the magic happens is the evening of New Years. We watch the countdown on television like the rest of the world, but before it counts all the way down, my Dad starts to pray. My mom usually follows after him or ends and my sisters and I (sometimes Zion too) fill the spaces in the middle. And then, after we finish, the ball has dropped, we turn the T.V volume back up to hear the celebratory music and pass around the sparking cider bottles. It’s a special little moment that I sometimes take for granted because I get on Instagram and Facebook and see all my friends dressed up and out with people. But I get the opportunity to pray in the New Year with the very people who are constant throughout it.
This praying in the New Year always seems to set the tone just right for whatever it is we may go into.

I love the start of a New Year because its essentially feels the way a new journal or planner looks. I just think of so many pages, empty and waiting to be filled or scribbled on, maybe have to white out a few things. Those empty pages are ready for stories, for tears to stain them and exclamation points to tear their pages a little bit. New years are ready to be lived, whatever that may mean.

2013 was an adventure, one I wouldn’t change for anything.
But I am excited to see another year, one where I pray that God is overwhelmingly present; a year I hope is filled with art and things that really gets my heart beating abnormally. A year filled with new friendships, encounters, experiences and life lessons. I’m learning that I could try to plan this year down to every possible detail, but then God will probably be like "LOL stop." And so I wont.

Lord fill this year, with all that you have intended.

I can’t wait to experience it.

Words.

New Video Uploaded to my Youtube Channel!

http://youtu.be/yg5liEv9RyM

But... I don't want to be a Proverbs 31 Woman yet.

Proverbs 31 says:

Who can find a noble wife?

    She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband trusts her completely.

    She gives him all the important things he needs.

She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life.

She chooses wool and flax.

    She loves to work with her hands.

She is like the ships of traders.

    She brings her food from far away.

She gets up while it is still dark.

    She provides food for her family.

    She also gives some to her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it.

    She uses some of the money she earns to plant a vineyard.

She gets ready to work hard.

    Her arms are strong.

She sees that her trading earns a lot of money.

    Her lamp doesn’t go out at night.

With one hand she holds the wool.

    With the other she spins the thread.

She opens her arms to those who are poor.

    She reaches out her hands to those who are needy.

When it snows, she’s not afraid for her family.

    All of them are dressed in the finest clothes.

She makes her own bed coverings.

    She is dressed in fine linen and purple clothes.

Her husband is respected at the city gate.

    There he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen clothes and sells them.

    She supplies belts to the traders.

She puts on strength and honor as if they were her clothes.

    She can laugh at the days that are coming.

She speaks wisely.

    She teaches faithfully.

She watches over family matters.

    She is busy all the time.

Her children stand up and call her blessed.

    Her husband also rises up, and he praises her.

He says, “Many women do noble things.

    But you are better than all the others.”

Charm can fool you. Beauty fades.

    But a woman who has respect for the Lord should be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned.

    Let everything she has done bring praise to her at the city gate.

Here's my "thing" with Proverbs 31, the title of it is literally "The Wife of Noble Character",  and I can't help but say that I don't want to learn how to be a wife before I learn first how to be a woman, how to be myself.

This verse is constantly being given to us as a guideline for what a "good woman" a " good Christian woman" looks like. It is given to us as a reassurance when we accomplish something as if its saying, "Great! You're on the right track towards being this Wife of Noble Character!" Instead of being on the right track to being the woman of God we are created to be? When we continue to grow up and comfortable in our skin, Proverbs 31 is shown to us as if at the core of who we are, we're becoming who we were always meant to be: wives.

Here's the thing, I do love and appreciate the wisdom written in Proverbs 31. I think that it gives us great tools that we can use, however for where a lot of us are right now, only certain verses are applicable to our single, anywhere from teenage to thirty year old (or older) selves. 

So, here's where my fascination with Mary comes in.

Around this time, when hearing about the birth of Jesus, and old character friends such as Mary and Joseph start resurfacing into sermons, I find myself continuously being drawn to Mary.

We know a good deal about Mary, who she is, what she does, what she's known for.
Here are a few of my thoughts about who she/what she does etc: 
- The only woman (as far as we know) to have an immaculate straight up spiritual conception
- The mother of Jesus (The Son of Man, the ultimate sign of peace and new beginnings)
-  She has a certain faithfulness, that goes beyond being just loyal and consistent. She might as well be considered what we would call, a "Ride or die"
- She has a humble, non resistant servants heart
- She was pretty much the definition of "pure." (Pure of body, of heart, of mind and soul)
- She was bold, willing to take risks for the sake of what she believed despite what it could  have meant for her future, her life, her family
I could probably go on and on but basically, Mary was a straight up BOSS.

To me, Mary is one of the greatest examples of what type of women we can be before (and if) we become Proverbs 31 women.

She is bold, holding the type of boldness where she doesn't need any validation outside of what God gives her.

In that boldness, she is fearless (not to say that she doesn't feel fear because she definitely probably almost peed her dress when the Angel came to her and said "Oh hey, by the way you're going to be pregnant, but not in the way that you're used to and your husband won't leave or stone you, pinky promise") but she is fearless in the sense that she didn't let what fear she did have shake her.

Instead, Mary said, "Here I am Lord, use me." 

I wonder if she hesitated a little, if maybe she was a little indecisive, said yes but also said "Maybe just wait until I can sort of process this whole thing first." 

I sometimes forget that she was so young, she had so much time to have a "normal" life. "Normal", as in marry Joseph in the traditional way, give birth not while pretty much riding on a donkey or have all these people come see her shortly after before she even had time to take a nap and have a child who would grow up and carry out the carpenter business like his dad instead of dying on the cross FOR ALL OF HUMANITY!

Do you get what I'm saying here? MARY, is the type of woman who would speak in chapel, or write a really good book and we would automatically want to sit down and have coffee with her to pick her brain and quote her on Facebook. 

She is the perfect example of why as Christians, as women, we shouldn't settle for normal, comfortable or traditional.

She responded to the angel (basically to her new life calling) by saying, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”  Luke 1:38

She said "Yes,  I will be unconventional, bold and full of a fear that I wont let control me, for the sake of Kingdom work being done. "

THAT, is the kind of woman I want to be.

I would dare to say, that Mary was used in the biggest, most transformational, most impacting story that the Bible has, the one that starts the very foundation our Christianity stands on. 

Okay, now tying it all back into Proverbs 31 since that's the title of this blog and I'm about to end it so here comes the full circle...

I am not bashing Proverbs 31, and this isn't a hail-Mary blog, this is my attempt at re-aligning who we as women should first aspire to resemble (besides Christ himself of course). 

There is one specific part of Proverbs 31 where I think Mary comes in hand in hand. Its in verse 30 and 31 where it says, "Charm can fool you. Beauty fades. But a woman who has respect for the Lord should be praised. Giver her the reward she has earned. Let everything she has done bring praise to her at the city gate." 

Mary respected the Lord, in the way that most of us struggle to do... with her whole life. It wasn't about her and she knew that. It wasn't even about what she could get out of it, it was about the ultimate sacrifice, a woman who respected the Lord so much, who served him with her whole heart, her whole being.

I pray that I can be that type of woman before I know how to be one who can take care of a household, or know how to love her husband right. All of those will (hopefully) come into play but first, I want to learn a little from Mary. Learn how to be a woman who says "Yes", to an unconventional, nontraditional, sometimes uncomfortable life for the sake of kingdom work.

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

    and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.

    For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;

for he who is mighty has done great things for me,

    and holy is his name." Luke 1:46-49

So here's to learning how to be women (maybe resembling Mary a bit), and learning how to be the best version of ourselves before we even begin to know what a Proverbs 31 woman could look like.