Prompt: what makes you the happiest right now?

Not studying for finals because your friend has a story to tell you and you’ll probably remember that over how to say something in Spanish or the year that man who wrote that book and said those things that one time... died

Getting frozen yogurt and eating it outside

Letting the tease of summer dance with your topping combination

And warm evening weather

Being able to diminish the number of finals you have to take with each passing of yet another sleepless day

Engaging in conversations so good you wonder why they didn’t happen sooner

So that maybe it’d be easier to place them in your box of memories worth keeping

Smiles with no hello

Goodnights with last verbal I love yours

And eye contact that says more than our brains could even have the word capacity for

Friends who send you new music to listen to

Making April feel more exciting than Christmas time

Drinking venti iced coffees from Starbucks with my name spelled correctly and a smiley face

Planning surprise birthday parties and trying to imagine the possible reactions

The moments where the only movement around me is the rustling of trees leaves the breeze of nightfall, my steady breathing and a sigh, with a cup of peppermint tea steam reminding me its only my mind that’s congested

Meeting people I’ve seen all year but had never spoken to and feeling like they could be added to my list of soul friends

The Adele song I’ve never heard, one directions you don’t know you’re beautiful, and Boyfriend by Justin Bieber jams for days

Knowing that right at the end of this journey there is another one kissing the edge of it waiting for my footsteps on its path to be the ignition that starts it

Sleep with no alarm the next morning

The good things that are hard to say goodbye to and the better ones that one need a see ya later

Brian and his laugh, Alex and her hugs, TJ and the way he says my name, Erich and his eyes, Danielle and her joy, Nicole and her strength, Hector and his weird obsession with hyphy, Michael and his honesty, Danielle teammate and her swag, Monique and her determination, Jeffrey and his quiet wisdom

Poetry. The captive to my thoughts and freedom to my pen

People who like poetry, this unspoken song we all sing together with different bridges and stanzas that all fall into the same chorus

"You look so good!"

"You look so Good."

Those are pretty superficial words right?
Well for me I have not received those words as much as I have within the past couple of months.
And I promise I am not saying this in a bragging, or stuck up fashion.
For me these words play into not my pride, or my ego but my confidence, my worth, my self-esteem.
We all struggle with how we look, our different flaws we wish we could change, etc and sometimes the things we want to change isn’t even in our controltochange.
But what happens when it is?
I am making this declaration that between freshman year and now I have lost almost 40 pounds.
FORTY POUNDS!
I don’t necessarily know how, maybe it has to do with my recent like for running, or the fact that in college you have two options. Eat or sleep.
apparently I chose sleeping.
but what came out of that was the ability for me, to genuinely feel good in my own skin.
I am a HUGE believer that beauty is yes, ultimately on the inside.
what matters is your attitude, your heart, etc.
however this is hard when we are constantly surrounded by people who focus on the outside.
Does that mean we too have to focus on the outside?
heck no.
BE YOU.
be your own kind of beautiful whatever that means for you.
be comfortable in the skin you were created in.
love yourself.
when it comes down to it that’s all that matters
because your Creator already thinks you’re out of this world GORGEOUS.
:)

Patiently Waiting ( I guess this is my poem to my Husband )

I don’t believe in schedules that aren’t full

Because empty time slots leave too much room for my thoughts to scheme mind games on themselves

Empty time slots allowing restlessness to creep into my bones giving my imagination an endless playground

Empty time slots where everything around me is still and silent no busyness to distract from the loneliness that dances with me in the moments where oneness is all that I know 

My roommate once told me, that I was the type of person who didn’t need people I wonder if she knows that I thrive off people needing me

To tend to them left and right so I can forget the fight that my waiting soul keeps having with my only sometimes anxious heart

And I know, good things come to those who wait

But greater ones to those who are patient

Sometimes, I just don’t want to be patient

I want to know what it really feels like to have someone not beside you

But still experience the pattern of their heartbeat next to yours from miles away

 To know what it feels like to not only be needed but wanted

 Not your body but the very presence of your essence

What it feels like for someone to say that they miss you, and not question if it’s true because you can pinpoint the place where your distance hurts the most

The idea that one person can handle all of these flaws and mold them into everything they consider beautiful

Sometimes,

I would like for my outsides to be looked at as beautiful in the same eyes that has seen me at my ugliest

Who will be able look at me as though the sun is rising behind my head even when my hair is a mess

For my love language to be spoken in ways I never new existed

We would create a new definition of I love you

Exchanging overrated three worded statements into three worded declarations

Like I adore you, saying sweet nothings like you are the apple to my pie with vanilla ice cream on the side

Or you are my intricate foam displayed dainty on my latte

He will be the skeleton and I will be the separated rib

He will be the living version of the highlights in my bible

Exemplifying the love of Christ in the way that his hands are raised

Eyes closed

Feet centered at the throne of God

He will be the flesh of the pages in my journal every unspoken poem and repeated prayer

 And when movie night just wont cut it he will ask if we could spend time soaking in music immersed in the presence of the one that holds us together

Yes, one day I will find love

 And we will be more than just two birds of the same feather

We will be one song with many different melodies

Once voice with many different harmonies

A lullaby moving smoothly through eardrums caressing every cartilage of our unborn children

Like sunrises and sunsets

Rising together

And setting in the same unison

I don’t think I know who he is

Where he is

What he looks like

But I wonder

When his restlessness stirs him from the bed he never sleeps in

If he looks at the stars the same way I do

And pretends they’re my eyes taking in every aspect of his being

That every time they sparkle he imagines that it’s me blinking

Occasionally even winking

And the gust of wind reminding him that it’s evening

Is really my breathing

Assuring that yes, I’m still out there

Patiently,

Waiting

Seasons always pass. Here is my heart right now!

I told my mom that I was lonely,
She told me it happens, that a lot of people around me around me are in relationships so it makes sense.

but I told her no, that I wasn't supposed to feel this way, that I was Miss Independent and I was supposed to be that way forever.

She told me, that I wasn't made to be that way.

well shoot!

Whenever these feelings, occur I always remember when she told me that leadership & ministry are just sometimes lonely callings.. even with spouses.

ouch.

Still not sure how to take that.

I'm hoping this season of loneliness will pass soon, usually they do but man oh man this one? this one has been lingering for awhile.

I think I would consider ( at least for me) that loneliness is a weakness of mine, that affects me mentally and specifically spiritually. I also think the enemy has come to this realization as well, and so he is attacking at full force.
Ultimately....I think it affects me so much because it results back to one of my biggest flaws, which is not feeling enough, pretty enough, smart enough, you name it...I'm getting better with that, I'm starting to feel good in this skin I was created in ultimately turning these feelings of not being enough, into a healthy knowledge in the fact that I, am not adequate.
Adequate as in God is using me as a vessel in enhancing his kingdom.
what the what?! No one should be given that privilege... but we all are. And I have dedicated my life to being the most efficient, sacrificial tool possible.

So I've decided I need to do something in the midst of this season ....
Firstly, to be more in the Word, which is always something to improve on.

Secondly, Fast every Tuesday. Keep myself grounded in the week just spiritually...fasting is a good way to do that, because I can use the time I don't eat to journal & pray...Using it also a time to be praying for the girls on my hall next year, praying that God will just use me completely to touch whomever they are, in whatever way they need to be spoken too, relieved from, etc.

I'm excited...

whenever these lonely seasons occur Gods always like "Here's a leadership position" love all these people. Feed My Sheep.

okay Lord. Okay.

well there it is for now,
my vulnerable exposed blog.
much love!